Without you I'm nothing
by Jessica12
Summary: Chap 18 - Luke's POV. Luke's life is changed forever as a new woman enters his life. When Rory Gilmore is killed in a car accident the people around her tries to pick up the pieces of their broken self and continue with their lives.
1. Default Chapter

Title: **Without you I'm nothing**

Author: Jessica

Email: jrothenyahoo.se

Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where

Spoilers: None

Rating: PG

Category: Romance, AU, angst, V

Feedback: YES please...jrothenyahoo.se

Pairing: Rory/Jess, Jess/Other, Luke/Lorelai

Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.

Summary: "Sometimes it feels like she has never been here at all..."

AUTHORS NOTE: This is kind of a follows my other story "The Fall of a Sparrow".

But it can also stand alone J…

Thank you to SamiJoe for reading my work and giving me

critique on what needs to be changed

and to Sandra (Lukerules) for beta-reading...

English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar

mistakes may occur.

* * *

"**_Honey now if I'm honest_**

**_I still don't know what love is_**

**_Another mirage folds_**

**_into the haze of time recalled_**

**_And now the floodgates cannot hold_**

**_All my sorrow all my rage_**

**_A tear that falls on every page._**

(From "The other side" by David Gray)

* * *

**Without you I'm nothing**

by: Jessica

* * *

**_Jess POV_**

**_

* * *

_**

Sometimes it feels like she has never been here at all.

But then I remember.

It's the little things that remind me.

It can be a song on the radio or a scent that still seems

to linger around me.

Maybe she was never mine at all.

That's what I try to convince myself of.

It's the only way I will survive this.

The darkness of this room surrounds me and embraces me as I rise

from the bed.

My legs feels weak as I move into the bathroom.

To stand under the shower for a while,

trying to get my cold shell of a body warm.

But it's no use.

I can never get warm enough.

I dress slowly.

Afraid that if I move too fast I might shatter.

Just like glass.

Then I grant myself a few minutes in front of the mirror.

I stand there, starring at my reflection and a part of me pray

that it will give back her reflection.

I close my eyes.

And for a moment I can feel her.

Or is just my mind playing tricks with me?

When I open my eyes she is gone and I'm left here, shivering.

With a sigh I surrender.

My hands tremble as I open the door and exit the bathroom.

My legs feels weak as I move into the kitchen.

The morning sun pierce through the windows and warms my face.

I hate it for daring to show its face today.

I turn towards the stove to make breakfast.

I turn on the radio to hear something other than the horrible

silence.

I move slowly.

Not to fast.

I take a plate and sit down at the table.

I'm not hungry but I know that I have to eat.

I sit there, with the sun at my back, shuffling food into my mouth.

It doesn't taste anything.

Afterwards I rise and stumble towards the sink.

My hands tremble as I reach out to silence the radio.

I stand there, clinging to the sink.

I don't want to go.

Today I will say goodbye to her.

Today I will let her go.

She left this world seven days ago.

Seven days ago my world fell apart.

How easily my walls came crumbling down.

Not a sound was made.

The news came with a phone call.

I never thought a phone call could end my world.

But it did.

It was Luke that told me.

His voice was dark as he spoke the truth.

At first I didn't believe him.

I refused to believe that something like that would ever happen.

But it had.

He said that it had been an accident.

There had been no way to save her life.

Just like that.

In that moment my heart came apart.

In my head a voice screamed.

A plead to a heaven that had no mercy.

But all I found was silence.

I can't remember what I did after that.

All I can remember is the pain of breathing.

The pain of moving.

Days blended together in a haze of memories.

The sun rose and fell even though she had left this world.

Lucy tried to mend my heart with words that fell on deaf ears.

My mother called and tried to ease my pain.

Luke called and wanted to talk.

But how could I put words to the pain that ripped through me

everytime I tried to breath?

How do you put sorrow into words?

So I kept quiet, lied and said that I was doing okay.

That was two days ago.

I let go of the sink and move towards my bedroom.

The bags are all packed.

I think I'm ready now.

To go back to Stars Hollow.

To say goodbye to her.


	2. Requiem Lukes POV

**Requiem**

by: Jessica

Note: This part is written in Luke's POV.

Title is Latin and means "memory of someone's death"

--------------------------------

It looked like he was carrying the weight of the world

upon his shoulders.

His face was pale and it looked like he had lost

several pounds.

My first reaction when I saw him was to take him into my arms and

reassure him that everything was going to be alright in the end.

But I knew that he wouldn't believe my lies and I wasn't

sure if I wanted to tell it.

I had no idea what I was going to say to him.

My words seemed so shallow and pointless.

I had tried so desperately to find just the right words to

say to him during the endless phone calls that kept on coming during

the week leading up to her funeral.

I knew that no words could take away his pain.

But I wanted to try.

As he stood before me in the terminal at Hartford airport

I tried once again to reach out to him but it all ended in

pointless conversations and chilling silence.

It lasted all the way to the car.

It had started to snow as we headed back to Stars Hollow.

The silence lay between us like a huge wall that I had

no idea how to overcome.

He looked older than he really was.

His eyes that once shone so bright and strong were now

two dark pools that held no life.

"I still got your bed, you know..."

"I know."

His voice was hoarse as he spoke.

"You're welcome to stay.."

"I'm just gonna stay at the Dragonfly."

"Oh, okay..."

Silence followed.

He continued to stare out the window while I tried desperately

to find something to say.

"How's Lucy?"

I regretted it the moment I said it.

"Fine."

"I just..."

"It's okay.."

"I was just asking..I didn't mean.."

"Don't, okay?"

Our eyes met.

His face was a stone wall that let no feeling through.

"Sure..."

My hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles

turned white.

I remained quiet during the rest of the trip.

----------------------------------------

It's the little things I remember about the day I got the news.

The rain was smashing against my windowsill when she came

bursting through my door.

It was close to lunch hour and the diner was beginning to get

crowded.

Her eyes were wild as she burst through the door.

Her face was pale as she ran up to me and screamed something

about needing to get to Boston.

At first I thought it was one of her jokes.

But then I saw the truth in her eyes.

And heard her voice as she spoke:

"Rory...There's been an accident..."

I started to believe.

I have always hated hospitals.

I hate the smell of death that seems to linger in every corner of

those long halls.

She ran like a mad woman through the hospital,

screaming her daughter's name.

I tried to calm her.

I tried to convince her that Rory would be just fine.

It was more like I tried to convince myself of that lie.

We found Christopher in the emergency room.

Sherry was at his side.

She was crying, buried in the safety of his arms.

In that moment I knew.

My heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces and flew

across the antiseptic linoleum floor of the emergency

waiting room like broken glass.

I gasped for air and reached for Lorelai.

But she slipped through my fingers.

"Where is she, Chris?! Tell me where she is!"

He let go of his wife and rose.

His face was pale and his eyes seemed to occupy his whole face

as he spoke:

"You have to calm down, Lor.."

"Don't tell me to calm down! Where is she, Chris!?"

I stood there by the door and watched as her world turned into

dust and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

"Lor, she's gone..."

With those words the truth was out and it seemed to linger and hover

in the air around us just like a huge cloud.

"No! No!"

She kept shaking her head as he approached her.

Reaching out for her.

"There was an accident. She went off the road...They couldn't save

her...."

I just stood there, like a fool, watching as she crumbled for

the truth.

It felt like knives were tearing through me as I tried to breathe.

I wanted to say something, anything.

But my mouth couldn't form words.

"NO! GOD DAMMIT NO! RORY!!!!!!!!!"

Her scream pierced through the emergency room and sent a chill down

the spine of everyone that heard it.

She slammed her angry fists against his chest as her legs gave away

and she crumbled to the floor.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her while she cried.

I felt like I didn't belong.

But I couldn't move.

I was so afraid that I might break and fall to the floor.

"I want to see her.........."

She broke free from Christopher's arms and rose.

"I don't think that's a good idea...."

"I need to see her..I'm begging you."

He turned to his wife and whispered something in her ear, then

he moved.

He reached out and took Lorelai's hand.

"I'll take you..."

And they started to head down the hallway.

I was left there, by the door, with my heart bleeding in my chest.

---------------------------------

I took her home afterwards.

Christopher asked me to.

I didn't object.

I took her hand in mine and led her to my truck.

She moved like a zombie.

Her soul was beyond saving.

I knew it.

I could see it in her eyes.

My hands trembled as I turned the key and my truck came

to life.

I wanted to say something but I couldn't.

All I could hear was my own heart beating.

I drove slowly, hardly seeing anything.

Darkness wrapped its coat around us as we finally arrived back in

Stars Hollow and her house.

She had finally surrendered and fallen asleep.

She slept with her head leaning against the window.

I sat there a while and watched as her dreams took her far away from me

and for a moment I prayed that it would grant her a moment of peace

before the pain of real life brought her back.

My heart trembled in my chest as I leaned closer to her and whispered

her name.

She woke with a scream lingering on her lips.

Tears glimmered like diamonds on her cheeks.

Rory's name escaped her lips and it send an arrow right into my heart.

Her eyes were wild as they met mine.

My hands trembled as I reached out and took her hands in mine.

Her skin was cold.

With a small cry she surrendered and fell into my arms.

I caught her as I always had and always will.

She buried her face in my shirt and she cried.

I held her while the storm raged inside of her and I whispered

words of comfort.

I felt numb inside as I sat there in the darkness of my truck, holding

the only women I have ever truly loved.

She finally stopped crying and moved away from me.

I was already missing her touch.

"Are you ready?"

My voice is barely a whisper.

"Yes..."

We got out of the car slowly and walked the path to her house.

She fumbled with the keys until she finally got the door open.

Suddenly her legs gave away and she fell towards me.

I helped her walk up to her bedroom on the second floor.

She laid down on the bed.

My hands trembled as I wrapped a blanket around her shivering body.

Our eyes met in the dim lights of her room.

"Stay..please, Luke. Stay."

All I could do was say:

"Yes..."

I lay down my broken body beside her on the bed.

She huddled up beside me.

I surrendered with a sigh and wrapped my arms around her.

We lay there, clinging to each other, while the moon pierced

through the window.

That night two hearts were broken.

But only one was talked about.

...................................

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	3. Unrequited Emily's POV

Unrequited

by; Jessica

-----------------

NOTE: This is Emily's POV....

..........................

**_"She was, of all bright loveliness, a shard_**

**_Struck off to bring our lives the gift of light._**

**_There are those whose lives are shaped by love;_**

**_Whose pleasures, rich and full, are found in giving;_**

**_Who make our wild hearts bloom and passions move_**

**_Into measured fields made lush by living._**

**_Without her all the gold's gone from the day;_**

**_She will be missed far more than we can say."_**

(Poem by Nicholas Gordon)

---------------------------------

My hands trembled as I walked the path to her house.

The house was so still as I entered.

I found her upstairs.

She was sitting on the bed, starring out the window.

"Didn't you hear me knocking?"

I stood in the doorway to her room and watched as she turned

towards me.

"Mom."

Her voice was barely a whisper.

Her face was pale and her eyes were dark as they met mine.

I had stayed away for as long as I could.

I kept hoping that maybe this time she would reach out for me.

That she wanted the safety of my arms.

But she hadn't let me hold her for a long time.

"Are you ready?"

I know that my voice sounded harsh.

But after years of small talk and distance I had no idea how

to talk to her.

A part of me was afraid that maybe even this time she

would push me away.

So I did what I always have.

I played the part of the cold, strong Emily Gilmore.

But nothing was further from the truth.

"I don't want to go..."

She turned her face away from me.

But for a moment I saw a glimpse of the girl she once was.

I saw the fragile part of her.

The part that now was bleeding.

I moved towards her.

My hands were screaming out to touch her.

But I was afraid that she might turn away from me.

I sat down beside her on the bed.

"Lorelai..."

"No, mom..I can't go..."

"You have to."

"I don't know how to let her go..."

"Lorelai...."

She turned her lovely face to me.

"Please, mom. Tell me how to let her go?"

"I..I don't know.."

"She was the only one that truly was mine...That loved me no matter

what..."

Her words stung more than I think she knew.

I swallowed and tried to steady my hand as I reached out for her.

"You'll get through this....We'll get through this together.."

"I don't know if I want to.."

"Don't say that."

"She was my everything, mom."

"I know..."

Her face twisted and turned in pain.

"God, Rory..."

Finally her façade cracked and the floodgates came undone.

She fell into me.

I wrapped my arms around her and let her bury her face in

the safety of my embrace.

My hands trembled as I stroked her soft hair and whispered:

"We all loved her...God, she was an angel.."

"Why did it have to be her? Why couldn't they take me instead?

A parent should never outlive their own child for God's sake..."

"I don't know, Lorelai..."

"Why did she have to go and leave me here alone? I can't live without

her...Not without Rory.. "

"You have to.."

"It feels like I can't breathe without her..."

Her words twisted a knife in my heart.

I wished there were some way I could reach inside of her heart

and remove every pain that kept breaking her down.

As I sat there holding her shell of a body while pain tore it apart

I knew that I had lost.

I had thought that money could make her come back to me.

I believed for a moment it had.

She let me back into her life slowly,

showing me pieces of herself bit by bit.

I was always afraid that if I reached for too much that she

would pull back and raise her shields once again.

So I walked slowly.

But with Rory it was different.

This beautiful child that sprung from my own daughter.

From the moment I first saw her I loved her.

It's an amazing feeling to be struck by such a powerful thing.

at my age.

I thank God every day for that.

She made me live again.

She was the reason why I still could talk to Lorelai.

I don't think she ever knew how much she did for me just by breathing.

This little girl that once brought a chill to me just by thinking of her.

I thought she would bring Lorelai down.

God, she was just sixteen.

Sixteen and pregnant.

What should a mother do?

I reacted like every mother would have done.

I reacted with fear.

But she was so stubborn.

It was like trying to stop a train.

What hurt me the most was that she didn't trust me as much to go to me for help.

She was determined to break every bond to her father and I.

I know that she was young and maybe she didn't know what she was doing

to us all.

If she just reached out for me.

If she just gave me some kind of sign that would let me know that

she wanted me.

That she wanted my help.

But she didn't.

She didn't even let me into the delivery room.

I wanted to hold her hand while the pain ripped through her body.

But she shut me out.

She shut me out from that day.

I had to buy my way in.

She never once asked us for money.

She never once reached out for us.

The walls I had so carefully maintained around my heart came down

with a loud sound as she whispered my name and moved away from me.

She rose and on weak legs she stumbled towards the window.

I wanted to reach out my hand to steady her but I didn't know

if she would want my help.

So I remained seated.

"It's snowing..."

Her voice was hoarse as she spoke.

"Yes.."

"She would have loved it..."

"I know..."

Silence followed.

It swept around us and embraced us like a soft blanket.

I sat there, searching for words, any words, to reach her.

But I found none.

The only thing that pierced the silence was the sound of the

clock on the wall ticking.

Time was running out, even for us.

Maybe I couldn't save her this time.

Maybe she was never mine to save.

But I wanted to.

She was my daughter after all.

I wanted to be the one she came to.

I wanted to be her soft place to fall.

But maybe I was too late.

Maybe we had let too much anger settle between us.

But I couldn't give up.

She needed me more now than ever and I needed her.

All I wanted was that she would look at me as a daughter

should look to her mother.

I rose.

She stood by the window with her head held high.

I moved towards the door.

I had no idea to reach her inside of her shell.

Maybe I would let time heal her wounds.

And maybe she would find her way back to me somehow.

"Don't go!"

Her voice pierced the silence and found its way inside of me.

"I was just going down to make a phone call..."

She turned towards me.

Her face was pale.

Her face was the face of a ghost.

"Please, stay..."

Her eyes pleaded to me.

"I'm not leaving, Lorelai..."

"I don't want to be alone.."

Maybe that was all that was needed.

Just some simple words.

I stood there in the doorway to her bedroom and watched as her

solid resolve fell.

It felt like my heart was ready to explode in my chest as I moved

closer to her.

It was Lorelai Gilmore, the daughter, that was looking back at me.

The fragile bird that was once so hard to pin down.

"Help me..Please, God, help me..."

With those words she fell.

And I caught her.

I wrapped my arms around her.

"I got you...I got you, honey.."

We stood there, clinging to each other while the snow came down outside.

-----------------------

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	4. And you'll be broken

"**And you'll be broken**" 

_by: Jessica_

_………………………………………._

"**_A heart is a fragile thing. That's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely and why it means so much when we do. Some hearts are more fragile than others. Purer somehow. Like crystal in a world of glass, even the way they shatter is beautiful_**."

( From the episode "Last Look", Everwood )

……………………………………………

Note: This is Jess POV

……………………………………………

All I had to do was move.

Open the door and get out of the car and walk the path to the church.

But I couldn't get my hands to let go of the steering wheel.

I have bought her a rose, a single red rose to put on her grave.

I wanted to stay here a little bit longer, in the safety of this car.

I was not ready yet.

But guess I was acting silly.

So I let go and stepped out of the car.

My hands trembled a little as I turned the key and locked the door.

I cursed them for being so weak.

I walked the path to the church, clutching the rose.

The ceremony had already started.

All I had to do was open the door and enter the church.

And say goodbye to her.

It was so simple.

Then everything would be over.

But I stood there like a fool, with my hand on the door, refusing to move.

_You can survive this._

_You will be just fine._

It felt like I was slowly falling as I opened the door and entered the church.

The coffin was standing in front of the altar, with God looking down on her.

_Breathe._

I took my place in the back.

I know that they didn't want me there.

I will always be an outsider in this town, even now years later.

I will never be good enough for their daughter, not even now.

Silence.

The only thing that pierced the silence was the muffled sound of organ music.

She would have hated all of this.

The silence.

I sat there listening to the music that was meant to ease our souls.

And I tried to feel nothing.

It's better to feel nothing.

Numb.

Maybe then I would survive.

_Weak._

It felt like I was coming apart, slowly but surely and I had no idea how to stop it from happening.

And that scared me.

To fall.

Because I wasn't sure if I could ever rise again.

So I sat there, clutching a rose, praying for strength.

The priest entered from a side door and walked over to Lorelai.

She was sitting in between Chris and her parents.

The service started a minute later.

I wasn't ready.

_I'm not ready yet!!!!_

I kept my eyes fixed on her coffin.

_This is not happening! This is not happening!_

Those words kept playing over and over in my head like a broken record.

Words were spoken about the woman we had all come to say goodbye to.

Words that were meant to heal.

But it heals nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

They spoke of all the things she had accomplished with her life.

They spoke of memories that they kept dear.

I watched as they came undone one by one.

_Remember not to fall._

_Then everything will be okay._

The service came finally to an end.

It was time to follow the coffin to its final resting place.

I rose on weak legs.

I stood there as the coffin passed by.

Then Lorelai.

I kept my eyes fixed to the floor.

I couldn't face her.

Not yet.

I couldn't look into her eyes and see Rory.

That would be the death of me.

I needed to find strength to face her.

The sun warmed my face as I exited the church.

I walked in the back.

It felt like I didn't belong.

All I had to do was walk away.

But I couldn't do that to her.

Not again.

I couldn't forgive myself if I walked away from her once again.

We arrived at her grave.

I stood in the back, hiding my face like a criminal.

_You don't belong here._

_You never did._

_You never will._

_Stop fooling yourself._

It was time to say goodbye to her.

There was no time left now.

I felt so cold; it chilled me right to the bone.

But I welcomed the feeling of pain like an old friend coming to visit.

I deserved it.

_Bring it on._

The priest spoke: __

"'The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside the quiet waters. He guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.."

_Remember not to fall._

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

_Hold on._

_You can survive this._

_Just breathe._

I stood there, trying to hold on to the fact that I was feeling just fine.

"Let's pray…..Oh Father, we bow down in front of you today to give our thanks. We thank you, Lord, for giving us Rory Gilmore. We thank you for the beauty she gave our lives. We thank you for the joy she gave us and the way she touched us all. Now we ask you to welcome her into your arms and keep her safe for us."

_Don't fall._

_You will be fine._

_Hold on._

_It will be soon be over._

"We also pray for those who remain. Those that stand here today. For her family. For those that loved her. For those whose life she touched. We pray for your guidance and comfort in their loss…."

I wanted to scream.

_She is gone and she's not coming back!_

Don't they know that there's nothing left now.

Nothing.

The priest's voice finally faded to black and the ceremony came to an end.

It was time to let go now.

It was time to lay flowers on her grave and walk away.

Lorelai moved first.

The mother.

Saying goodbye to her daughter.

To let go.

We stood there watching as she stumbled towards the black hole that soon would be her daughter's final resting place.

Her hand trembled as she reached for a handful of dirt to spread over the coffin.

Her face twisted and turned in pain as she clutched the dirt in her hand and moved closer.

"Rory, honey…My baby.."

Her voice was barely a whisper.

She stood before the coffin ready to say goodbye.

And with a cry she came apart and her heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces as she fell to the ground:

"RRORRY!!!!!!!"

Her cry was a plea.

To a God that had no mercy.

That took her only daughter.

That took her heart.

I kept my eyes fixed on the ground.

_Don't fall._

_Don't you fall apart on me._

Luke was the first that moved.

That picked her up.

She fell into his arms.

They started to walk away slowly.

Others followed.

Some stayed.

To pay their respects.

I lingered in the shadows.

So out of place.

All I had to do was turn around and walk.

That was the thing I did best after all.

Run away.

But I couldn't.

I stood there a long time afterwards.

The mourners had come and gone, leaving bitter taste of sorrow.

And I was alone.

I stood there, staring at the coffin.

All I had to do was lay down the rose and walk away.

_Let go._

_Move._

_And everything would be fine._

I stumbled forward.

Like a fool.

My hand trembled as I reached out my hand and placed the red rose on her coffin.

This was goodbye.

In that moment I came undone.

And there was nothing I could do to stop it.


	5. Lamentation Lorelai's POV

**Lamentation**

by: Jessica

Note: This is Lorelai's POV

This story follows my other story called "The Fall of a sparrow".

If you haven't read it then you might not understand some

Of the people or situation mentioned here.

..........................

"**_I feel as though my heart must stop with pain._**

**_I miss you so, the darkness will not pale._**

**_My darling child, come to me again. _**

**_I know you cannot come, and still I strain_**

**_To put my arms around you through the veil._**

**_I feel as though my heart must stop with pain. _**

****

**_Other lives and loves call me in vain._**

**_I try to turn away from you and fail._**

**_My darling child, come to me again. _**

****

**_You are my unendurable refrain._**

**_Back and back I hurry to impale_**

**_My heart on you, to stop my heart with pain. _**

****

**_Yet nothing that I do undoes the plain_**

**_Brutal fact which always must prevail._**

**_Ah, my darling, come to me again! _**

****

**_You are both my sunshine and my rain,_**

**_My dearest joy, my anguish, and my grail._**

**_I feel as though my heart must stop with pain._**

**_My darling child, come to me again._**"

(Poem by: Nicholas Gordon)

-----------------------------------

The sun still rose and fell in my world even though

she was gone.

I woke that day as any other day and for a single moment

everything seemed like before.

She was just living in Boston.

She was just away, just a phone call or a drive away.

But then it struck me and struck me hard.

It could be the simple things that brought me back to reality.

The scent that still lingered in every corner of this house.

The silence, the chilling silence.

It was a painful awakening.

But it happened every morning.

And slowly but surely it ripped me apart.

A day had gone since we said goodbye to her.

The mourners had come and gone, filling this house with their

flowers and their words that meant to heal me.

But all it did was hurt me.

I knew that they meant well.

But not even their presence could save me.

He had come in the early morning light.

Luke had come to save me.

I saw it in his eyes.

But I hadn't the heart to turn him away.

So I let him into my house.

I needed someone.

And he just happened to be the one.

As the morning turned into afternoon he returned to the safety of

his diner.

He swore that he would be right back but I could see it in

his eyes that he needed a break and I let him.

Maybe he couldn't take the silence of this house.

I didn't know how to speak to him anymore.

My words seemed all pointless.

He stood in the doorway and said that he would come back soon.

Then he was gone and left me alone with myself.

To say that I was ready for the storm that followed would be lying.

Maybe I acted wrong.

Maybe I even was cruel.

But I didn't care.

* * *

A knock on my door was what started it all.

He was at my door.

The boy that once represented everything that I feared.

Now a young man.

"Jess."

"Can I come in?"

He was dressed in jeans, t-shirt and a dark jacket.

He looked older than he really was but he was still the same boy

that once roamed the streets of this town.

"Sure."

I showed him into the living room.

I had no idea what to say to him.

He walked around my living room like a zombie, moving slowly.

I spoke first:

"What are you doing here, Jess?"

"I wanted..I don't..."

His words faded to black.

His eyes met mine.

Sorrow and pain reflected in his eyes but just for a second.

Then he raised his shield.

I could almost see it.

"I didn't see you yesterday."

"I sat in the back..."

"Well..."

"What?"

"Nothing."

He moved towards the desk where I kept a photo of Rory.

It was taken the day of her graduation from college and her eyes

shone like two diamonds as she smiled into the camera.

I couldn't help but notice his trembling hands as he picked it up.

"Luke took this picture..."

"How do you know?"

I moved towards him, with my eyes fixed on the photo.

"He gave me a copy..He send me one.."

"He shouldn't have done that..."

The words were out before I could stop them.

He turned towards me.

His eyes gave away the pain that flashed through him in that moment.

"It's the only photo I have left of her.."

He was begging me.

His eyes pleaded for me to surrender.

But I couldn't do that.

All I could feel was the anger that consumed and blinded me.

"Why in God's name did you come here? What good can come of it?"

"I just wanted.."

He put the photo down and turned towards me.

"What? Did you come here to gloat?"

"What are you talking about?"

I knew that I didn't make sense. But I didn't care.

I wanted to break him and watch him bleed.

"You did it. You finally did it. You broke us. You broke us all."

"What are you talking about?"

I moved towards him.

Anger fueling me.

"I knew that you were trouble. I saw it in your

eyes. I knew that you finally would ruin everything but I chose

to not listen."

"I should go"

He moved towards the door.

"So you are going to run now...Go ahead. It's been the best thing you have ever done."

He turned and looked at me.

Those eyes met mine.

All I could see was the boy that once walked into our lives and caused nothing but pain.

"Lorelai..."

"Don't you say my name...."

"I didn't come here for...."

"What!? You didn't come here for what?"

"Nothing."

"No. Tell me.. You came here for what? For forgiveness."

"No. I have nothing to ask your forgiveness for."

"..you have nothing to ask forgiveness for...That's rich! You broke her heart!"

"It was a long time ago."

"You broke her heart once...But this time..You finally broke her."

"I never.."

"I was the one that had to pick up the pieces after you left. You broke her heart and I hate you for it."

"The hardest part I have ever done is walking away from her that day."

His eyes met mine.

"I was the one that held her while she cried...You were supposed

to take her to her prom. She was looking forward to it..."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I don't believe you.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is that the only thing you can say!? You

ruined her life for God's sake. She was happy before you. But then

you came along...And..."

"I wish I could take it all back, believe me. I wish nothing else

than to turn back time and go back to what it was but I can't."

"You could have just walked away and stayed away. But you had to do it,

you just had to go back and ruin it all."

"I needed to see her."

He crumbled before my eyes.

I could see him slipping.

"She was happy with Ben. But you didn't care. You just had to ruin

it all."

Pain flashed across his face and I liked what I saw.

"It wasn't like that."

I wanted to break him and watch him scatter before the wind.

He deserved it.

I wanted him to feel the pain that twisted my insides into nothing.

"Well. Then tell me. What was it like? You wanted to save her

like some hero."

"I just wanted..."

"Seven years, Jess. Seven years and you decide to come back, just

like that..."

"I wanted to see her..I got a letter..from Luke and I..."

"What? A letter, so? You could have just let it go but you just had

to go and break her. If you just had stayed away then she would be

here today?"

"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?!!!!!"

His scream pierced through the room and found its way inside of me.

"She would have married him, you know. She would have been happy.

She would have been happy......You killed her, Jess...You killed

Rory...."

I moved towards him.

My eyes piercing into his.

He backed away like a shy boy.

"No.."

"You are the reason for everything...You are the reason for my

daughter's death.."

"Shut up!"

The wall was at his back and he couldn't run anymore.

"You killed her. You might as well have put a gun to her head and

pulled the trigger..."

"SHUT UP!"

"You don't get to tell me what to do! Not in this house...You came here thinking I might forgive you

for everything you have done to this family. But you are so wrong. This is your fault. No one else's.

You put her on that road that day. You did. You started all of this the day you came back into her life.

You could have just stayed away then everything would be okay. But you had.."

"SHUT UP! I loved her for God's sake!!"

Pain.

It hit me right in the chest, like a bullet.

He was lying.

I need him to be the bad guy in this story.

I needed him to be the one to blame.

"No, you didn't! If you did love her then you would have stayed

away and let her be happy with Ben!"

"Is it so hard to believe that I might have actually had feelings for her?"

"If you had...If you loved her then you had treated her better."

"Don't you think I know that? But what choice did I have!?"

"So what you are going to blame Luke now for making you leave?

Don't you think I heard the story...Because I have. All you had to do was go back to school."

"And do what?"

"Study! What else?"

"Do you really think she had wanted me then!? A loser that had to take the final year all over again!

All it would have done was to prove you all right."

"No. She would have loved you no matter or what. But you didn't love her as much to stay..."

"It's not true..."

"Shut up! I don't want to hear your lies...You could have made the choice to leave her alone...To make her happy...

But you had to come back...You had to ruin her life..."

"What about me? What about me? Don't I deserve to be happy?"

"You killed her!"

"Stop saying that!"

"You caused this...You started this and now you stand here trying to justify your action...But you can't.

Not this time. You want me to forgive you...I rather die!

You killed her.!"

Tears came suddenly and marked my face as I pointed my finger at him.

Pointing a finger at the murderer.

"I came back because of her...I came back because I wanted...her.."

"No, I don't believe you."

"It's the truth. I don't know how to prove to you that I actually

did love her. Maybe I can't..Maybe you just want to hear what

you want to hear."

"Liar!"

"Believe what you want! I don't care!"

"You don't deserve to walk on this earth...."

I had no mercy when it came to him.

He represented everything in my life that had gone wrong.

He kept reminding me about all the pain he had caused her, of

all the tears.

"I've no idea why I came...I'm going."

"Fine. Runaway. That's your thing..."

He turned towards me.

His dark eyes met mine.

"What do you want from me, Lorelai!? I can't bring her back to you. Believe me, if I could I would...But I can't."

"Get out! Get out! I HATE YOU!"

"I'm going!"

He moved towards the door.

"I WISH YOU DIED INSTEAD OF HER!"

"Lorelai?"

Luke's voice pierced the room like a knife.

He stood in the doorway.

His eyes met mine as I turned around.

"What!?"

He entered the room with his eyes fixed on me.

"What are you doing, Lorelai?"

"We're just talking."

"Talking, huh..Screaming, I would say."

"I was just leaving."

Jess again.

I turned my attention to this boy, this man, that held the key to

everything.

He was the one that had broken me.

He was the reason why my heart was bleeding.

And I hated him for it.

I wanted to reach inside of him and wipe away everything that was him.

"I swear to God if you ever come near me again I'll kill you..."

"Lorelai..."

"No, Luke. I should have said it years ago. I should have put

a stop to it the moment that bastard dared to even step into this house."

"Lorelai, for God's sake!"

"What? What, Luke? I'm only saying what everyone is thinking. The

guy is a loser. He is trouble. Everyone knows it. Even you."

I stormed out of the room.

I could hear the door closing as Jess left the house.

………………………………………………….

I walked into the kitchen.

Afraid that eventually my anger would take the best of me.

"Lorelai, please calm down.."

His voice pierced the silence.

I turned towards him.

"Don't tell me to calm down! He killed Rory!"

Anger made me blind to the truth.

Something inside of me whispered that I was wrong.

But I didn't care.

I needed someone to blame.

I needed someone to point the finger at.

"How can you say that?!!"

"It's the truth."

"It was an accident."

He moved towards me.

I backed away from him, afraid that if he touched me now I would

scatter for the wind.

And I couldn't break.

Not now.

Not ever.

"He drove her to it."

"It was an icy road, nothing else."

"She was so happy with Ben. He had proposed, you know that. And then

he came back and ruined everything."

"They were two in that. He never forced her."

"Maybe not but he sure did a number on her head!"

She had called me, crying over him.

I had begged her to come to me.

But she had refused.

She had said that she needed to think.

It was the first time that she had refused my help.

I don't think she ever knew how much that hurt.

"Lorelai..."

"WHAT? What do you want, Luke? Should I act like

nothing has happened!?"

My hand trembled as I pointed towards the doorway.

"No one is asking you to forget but he is going through the same thing

you are...He loved her.."

Tears came crashing down, tearing my soul slowly apart.

"No. He used her..He came strolling back into her life and crushed

everything. He did what he always has done. He broke her heart. Maybe he didn't kill her but he might as well have done it the day he told her about the baby."

All I saw was her face.

"He asked her to go with him to Chicago."

He moved even closer to me.

"No, you're lying."

I kept shaking my head.

"It's the truth. Ask him yourself. He wanted her with him. He didn't

want to let her go once again. So he asked her to go with him.

He did the right thing, Lorelai. It was his baby and he wanted to

be a part of it. He didn't run. He stayed, but at the same time he didn't

want to give up Rory. But she was the one that objected. She

was the one that ran!"

"No! I don't believe you! She told me. She called me on the phone

and said that he had left her again. She cried..God, how she cried.

You should have heard.."

I crumbled for the truth.

I needed to hate him.

I needed him to be the bad guy in all of this.

"She didn't tell you the whole story..."

"I don't believe she lied."

"Maybe not. But she didn't tell you the truth, either."

He was close now.

I wanted so badly to fall and let him catch me.

But I needed to be strong.

Because I knew that if I fell than I would never be able

to rise again.

"No! She was my daughter. She told me everything."

"Not this."

"I don't believe you."

"Whatever! But remember this, he didn't run this time, Lorelai.

He wanted her. He loved her. Is that so hard to believe?"

Our eyes met as I pleaded the truth to him.

It was a truth I so desperately needed to believe in.

"He hurt her. She cried...She wouldn't have lied.."

"Maybe but still..."

"No, Luke..She was my daughter..."

"I know..I'm just telling you this..He loved her...He wanted her..."

"And he left..."

"Why can't you accept the fact that he loved her? Whatever did

he do to make you react this way? He was just a boy, Lorelai back

then. For God's sake he was so lost..."

His words twisted the knife in my heart.

My walls came undone as he continued:

"He is not Christopher and never will be..."

"I didn't say that."

I backed away.

"But you thought about it..."

"No.."

"He is a good kid. He was so much in love with her. Don't you

think it was hard for him to come here today and beg you to let

him in when he knew how much you hated him?"

"Hate..I don't hate him."

"Don't lie. You hated him for the minute he set foot in this town..

You said it yourself so don't lie..."

"He is just..."

"He is nothing like Chris."

"I know."

"Then why can't you accept the fact that he loved her as much as you

did?"

"Because..."

"Because, what?"

"Because.....he's Jess...."

"What about him?"

"He broke her heart..."

"He was young then....You have to forgive him...Otherwise.."

"I don't know if I can."

"You have to."

"Why?"

"Otherwise it will kill you."

I didn't run this time.

I stood strong as our eyes met.

"Maybe it already has."

"Don't say that."

"It's the truth..."

"No, Lorelai. You will get through this."

"I don't know if I want to."

"I know that you need someone to blame. God, I need someone to blame...

But he is not the right one..No one is. It was an accident...

There is no one to blame."

"So I should just accept.."

"You have to..."

"No! I refuse to believe that..."

Fear ate at my heart as he reached out his hand to touch me.

Fear that I might fall.

"She is gone, Lorelai..."

"No! Don't say that!"

"It's the truth...And you need to forgive him...Forgive God.."

"No!"

This time I fled.

I moved away from him and his words that kept breaking me down.

That whispered of truth.

"Please, Lorelai....Let me touch you..."

"No, Luke..."

He came after me until the wall was at my back and I couldn't run

anymore.

His voice was barely a whisper as he spoke:

"You have to let her go....."

Anger filled me.

It came crashing through and sharpened my senses.

"How can you say that!? How can you say that!?"

I crashed into him with angry fists.

He wrapped his strong arms around me as I continued my quest to hurt

him as much I was hurting.

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!? SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER! SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER!!!"

I broke.

My walls came down and my heart seeped out through the cracks in

my armor.

I was no longer the strong, independent Lorelai Gilmore.

I was nothing.

A broken shell of a woman.

I drowned in his embrace.

"I know, Lor. I know..."

I rested my head against his chest and he held me while storms

raged inside of me.

"Why her? Why her? How could they think that I could live

without her!? All I have ever have done has been for her."

No words where needed.

Everything I had been holding back,

every feeling I had suppressed came crashing down on me.

I stood there with my head against his chest and listened to his

heartbeat.

There, in his arms, I let go.

He held me as my heart scattered for the wind and my soul was torn away.

And I knew that not even he could save me this time.

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-----------------------

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	6. If I were brave Luke's POV

"**If I were brave**"  
  
by: Jessica  
  
--------------------  
  
Note: This is Luke's POV  
  
---------------------  
  
"_**As for this man you could say he is still living.  
  
But you could also say that he's been erased  
  
from humankind**_."  
  
-----------------------------  
  
She has finally fallen asleep.  
  
Her face is still now, not marked by pain.  
  
I carried her upstairs after she came undone in my arms.  
  
Her body felt weightless in my arms.  
  
I lay her down on the bed.  
  
Her eyes spoke of the bleeding heart that still beat angrily   
  
inside of her.  
  
"Don't go..."  
  
Her voice was barely a whisper.  
  
Her eyes begged me to once again surrender to her.  
  
I stood in the doorway and I knew that I could do nothing but do what  
  
she asked.  
  
I couldn't help it.  
  
How could I?  
  
She needed me.  
  
I wanted to save her.  
  
I needed to be the one to save her.  
  
That's has always been my mission.  
  
To be her savior.  
  
The one she leaned on.  
  
If I wasn't the one she ran to,  
  
then who was I?  
  
I moved towards the bed, praying that my presence here might ease  
  
her pain at least a little.  
  
And by saving her then I might not notice the scars in my own soul.  
  
I lay down beside her and let her rest her head against my chest.  
  
My hands trembled as I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer.  
  
I tried to ignore the feeling of her in my arms.  
  
We lay there for a while, in silence, listening to the sounds of the night.  
  
I knew that I couldn't surrender to the sleep my body cried out for.  
  
I needed to move on.  
  
He needed me.  
  
I knew it.  
  
I had just stood there and listened to her ramblings.  
  
I had stood in the doorway and heard her angry words that she threw  
  
at him.  
  
And I had seen him crumble before her.  
  
But I had done nothing.  
  
When it came down to it, I had chosen her over him and a part of me  
  
hated myself for it.  
  
It showed me what I feared the most:  
  
that I was weak.  
  
I was the fool that everyone in this town already knew.  
  
To love somebody that never will be mine.  
  
I slipped from the bed without waking her.  
  
I lingered by the bed for a while.  
  
A part of me screamed angrily to go back to her and the sweet release  
  
that I found in her arms.  
  
But I couldn't.  
  
I needed to face the truth for once and for all.  
  
So I left.  
  
To save another.

* * *

I found him the darkness of the diner.  
  
I had lent him a key just in case that he might come back to me.  
  
He sat with his head bowed.  
  
I stood in the doorway at first, not sure what to do.  
  
"Jess."  
  
"You gave me a key, remember."  
  
"I wasn't..."  
  
He looked up and our eyes met.  
  
I wish I could read what he was thinking but I never could.  
  
I closed the door behind me and moved closer to his table.  
  
"I will leave soon, don't worry. I just..."  
  
"Stay as long as you want. You are always welcome here. You know that.."  
  
"Okay...."  
  
I sat down opposite him.  
  
Silence settled between us like a huge wall.  
  
I had no idea how to speak to him anymore.  
  
I never did.  
  
But this time I needed to say something, anything.  
  
"She didn't mean what she said, you know."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
His voice was sharp and cut through the diner like a knife.  
  
He couldn't hide the lie from me.  
  
I could read it in his face like an open book.  
  
"She just buried her daughter. Give her some time."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Come on, Jess.."  
  
"What? What do you want me to say?"  
  
His eyes were dark as they met mine.  
  
"Say something..."  
  
"It was nothing I haven't heard before."  
  
"Jess, come on. You don't believe it, do you? She was just upset."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"Stop saying that!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You do care what she thinks, otherwise you would have never gone to her."  
  
"I just..."  
  
"Give her time, Jess. She will come around."  
  
"Give her time for what? To accept me? She has had nine years to get use to me. And now.."  
  
"People say things they don't mean. You know that."  
  
A shadow passed across his face as he struggled with the words:  
  
"I just thought..I wanted.....I don't know..."  
  
"I know."  
  
"She was coming to see me, you know. They told me...The officer that was first at the scene  
  
told me that she was heading for the airport. She had a ticket...She was coming for me."  
  
"Jess..."  
  
He lowered his head as he spoke:  
  
"It's okay...At least that's what I think. But...I don't know. She might just.."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Lorelai is right, you know. She would have been here today if it wasn't for me."  
  
"You don't know that. No one knows that."  
  
"I put her on that road that day. I did."  
  
"Don't do this to yourself."  
  
"I'm not doing anything. It's the truth, isn't it?"  
  
"Jess, for God's sake. She was just upset."  
  
"I know, upset...But it doesn't take away what she said."  
  
"You can't listen to her."  
  
He rose suddenly.  
  
"I'm okay. It's okay."  
  
"Stop..."  
  
"No, I'm fine. This will pass."  
  
"What do you mean, pass?"  
  
"Tomorrow, I will be just fine and..."  
  
"Jess..."  
  
"No, stop it! I don't want to talk about it anymore..."  
  
"It wasn't your fault. Everyone knows that..."  
  
He turned away from me and headed for the on!"  
  
"What? What do you want me to say!?"  
  
He turned towards me and our eyes met.  
  
"I don't know. It's just..."  
  
"Stop worrying about me. I will be just fine."  
  
I wish I could believe it.  
  
But I saw the truth in his eyes.  
  
The truth he so desperately ran from.  
  
That he was falling apart.  
  
Slowly.  
  
He turned and moved towards the door.  
  
"Jess."  
  
"You can stay here, you know. You are welcomed to stay."  
  
Maybe I couldn't save him now.  
  
But I wasn't ready yet to let him go.  
  
So I reached out and offered what I could give him.  
  
A home.  
  
A shelter.  
  
"I know..It's just..."  
  
"Give it time. It will get better."  
  
Silence.  
  
I knew it was a lie.  
  
But it was a lie I had to believe, that I clung to.  
  
"I still got your bed. You are welcomed to it."  
  
He stood there with his back turned.  
  
"I don't know if I can stay. It's just..."  
  
His voice cracked and faded to black.  
  
If he fell then I would be the one who catches him.  
  
I needed to be there.  
  
"Jess.."  
  
I rose.  
  
"I'm fine, uncle Luke."  
  
"You haven't called me that in years."  
  
Silence again.  
  
I stood there, like a fool, with my hands at my sides,   
  
wanting to bridge the gap between us.  
  
He turned slowly.  
  
Our eyes met as he spoke:  
  
"Don't get use to it, okay."  
  
Then he walked passed me and headed towards the stairs leading up the small apartment.  
  
He stopped at the bottom step and said:  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Don't mention it.."  
  
Then he climbed the stairs to my apartment and left me alone in the darkness of the diner.  
  
--------------------- 


	7. Collecting knives Jess POV

"**Collecting knives**"

by: Jessica

-------------------

Note: This is Jess POV 

-----------------------

**_One month later_**

**_-------------------_**

Sometimes it feels like I'm standing completely still while everyone else is moving.

I work the diner as before.

At night I roam the streets of Stars Hollow, a ghost of the one I was.

Sleep no longer gives my body and soul the peace it screams for.

When I close my eyes the only thing I see is her.

There were times when I wanted nothing else than the sight of her in my dreams.

But she has become the ghost that is slowly tearing me apart.

_You killed her._

I hear voices sometimes.

They are screaming in my head while the knife twists in my heart.

I have tried to drown them out.

I have even considered running from them.

But my life has taught me one thing and that is that you can't run from anything.

Eventually it will catch you.

So I try to live with myself and the person I have become.

But it's hard.

To listen to the voices and still be able to breathe.

* * *

He stood in the doorway at first.

Night had fallen and wrapped the diner in a dark coat.

Luke looked tired.

"Hey."  
I was sitting in the armchair reading as he entered.

I didn't look up.

We had this way of walking in circles, of silence that lay thick between us.

"She called before…"  
He walked towards me, closing the door behind him.

"Who?"  
I didn't look up.

I already knew the answer.

"Jess. Come on. She's due any day now."  
"So."  
"SO!? You should be there."  
His voice cut through the air and found its way into me.

"I know."  
"I know. Get your lazy butt out of that chair and call her!"  
Our eyes met.

Anger filled me.

It was the only emotion I had left to reach for.

"Don't talk to me that way."

"Then how should I talk to you? I have watched you walking around this place and you say nothing, nothing. But you never do, you never did. I can live with that. But don't ask me to shut up about this."  
"It's not your problem."  
I rose from the armchair and faced him.

"Not my problem. As long as you stay here it's my problem."

"I'm not some eighteen year old lost kid anymore that you can 'save'. I'm not your charity case."  
"Charity case? Is that what you think this is?"  
"That's Luke Danes. Always the savior, the big hero. I didn't ask for your help…"  
"You didn't ask for my help…HA….Then what are you doing here!?"  
"You want me to leave!? HUH? You want me to leave….."  
"I didn't say that.. But you came here and I took you in, no questions asked.

I give you your old job back. No, I don't say anything…."  
"What? You want to 'talk', is that it?"  
"Talk. I didn't think the mighty Jess Mariano did talk. I thought he only grunted."  
"I don't need this."  
I moved towards the door.

Anger filling me.

Tearing at my center core.

"Stop right there!"  
"What are you going to do? Arrest me? You're not my father. You can't tell me what to do."  
"For God's sake, Jess."  
"What?! What do you want from me!!!?"

"What I want? What I want is an explanation, a reaction…anything."

"I'm leaving."

My hand reached for the doorknob.

"She's dead, Jess."  
I stopped.

"She's dead. She's gone."  
"Stop it."  
"What? Stop what?"  
"This."  
"What?"  
"Don't talk about her."  
"So I don't get to talk about her anymore. Her name was Rory, Jess. Rory."  
"Shut up."  
"We never did talk about what happened."  
I turned towards him.

Our eyes met.

I wanted to hate him for the pain he brought me.

"What do you want to talk about? Should we sit down like some old women and talk over a cup of tea, or what?"  
"All I want is for you to shape up….Do something for God's sake…You spend your time in this apartment. You never talk to anyone and when you do you grunt…."

"You want me to leave. Is that it? Just say it."  
"I never said that."  
"Then what do you want from me?"  
"She died, Jess. You have to move on…"  
"I have."  
"No, you haven't."

"Shut up."  
"So, this will be your life now. Or what? Work here and what? It's not like you're a kid anymore. You have responsibilities now."  
"I know."  
"You will be a father any day now."  
"I know! Don't you think I know that!?"  
"Then what are you doing here? You should be there with her…Helping…Doing what you can…"  
"I know."  
"Then do something about it, for God's sake!"  
"I will."  
"When?"

"I will! Leave it alone."

I turned to leave.

To do what I had become a master of: running.

"Is this what you want with your life? Is this how your life is going to be?"  
"What do you care?"  
"You are my nephew and you are living under my roof..So yeah, I care and when the woman you got pregnant keeps calling here begging to speak to you. Then I care.."  
"Don't okay."  
"You just don't care anymore. Is that it?"  
"Stop it."

I turned towards him.

Anger guiding me as I walked towards him.  
"No, I will not stop. Not this time. You have to stop doing this."  
"What?"  
"You can't follow her. Don't you understand that?"  
"What is that supposed to mean? Follow her?"  
"She's dead, Jess. She's gone and you can't have her back."

I stopped.

The truth hit me right in the chest, like an arrow.

Fear threatening my heart.

Fear of breaking.

"I know that. Don't you think I know that?"

"No, I don't think you know that. You let her go once before and now… You can't get her back. Not this time."  
"Shut up!"  
"You have to let go…I know that sounds cheesy but it's the only way….You can't stay like this…Not anymore…"  
"I told you to shut up!!!"  
"What? I'm only telling you the truth and you know it. You have to go…Leave her alone…"  
I stopped.

I wanted anger to blind me. I wanted rage to tear through me and make me feel something else than this numbing pain.

"Where am I supposed to go!? Tell me that!? Where? Where can I go without her? Don't you understand…I was someone when she loved me, when she was mine. And now….I can't…I don't…know…"  
My voice faded to black.

I felt weak and I hated that feeling.

I wasn't supposed to feel like this.

I was supposed to be untouchable.

"Jess.."  
"WHAT!? What am I supposed to do to suit you?"  
He moved towards me.

"Do you want me to cry, is that it?"  
" It's not that…"  
"Then tell me. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act to suite you?"  
"It's not that….All I want is that you take some responsibility for the child that is coming., for your life..…You can't run forever, Jess. All it gets you is alone. Believe me, I know…"  
"I'm not running."  
"Then, what are you doing here?"  
"I….."  
"Jess."  
"You have to start living…"  
"Where should I start? Where should someone like me start? I have nothing now….Nothing!"  
"You have to start by saying goodbye."  
"What is that supposed to mean!?"  
"You can't keep doing this to yourself..This walking around in circles. Torturing yourself…It wasn't your fault and I think you know that. But it's so easy to play the victim. Blame the world and all of that. "  
"I'm not…"  
"Don't lie."  
"You have always blamed someone. Your mother, me, this town."

"But this time…It wasn't anyone's fault."  
"I know that."  
"Then stop this."

I felt tired.

Tired of fighting.

"Why are you doing this?"  
"You need help."

"Just leave me alone, okay.."  
"I can't do that. Not anymore.."

He came towards me.

I reacted instantly and backed away.

"Stop doing this! I don't want this! Can't you understand that! I don't need you to tell me what to do or how to feel!"

"So, what am I supposed to do? Shut up?"  
Anger made his eyes darker as he shortened the distance between us.

Run. 

"Yes! I never asked you once to help me. And I don't need your help!"

"A swift kick in the butt is what you need!"

"Shut up!"  
"You don't get to tell me to shut up! This is my house!!"  
"You want me to leave!? Huh, You want me to leave!"  
"I never said that. Don't put words in my mouth!"

"I'm going!"  
I turned to leave.

His hand was on my shoulder.

Anger flared up inside of me as I turned towards him.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! Don't ever touch me!"  
I reacted as I always have done.

With anger.

I saw red as I pushed him away from me.

Hard.

"What!? You want to fight me now…Go ahead! Take your best shot because I'm not leaving. I let you go once. But not this time."

I wanted to hit him.

I needed to do something.

Hit him! Do it! 

I wanted to erase every trace of the sharp pain that kept eating at my center core.

But lashing out at him wasn't the answer.

I knew that.

But I ignored it, as I always have done.

"Hit me! Do something for God's sake!!!! You think it will make you feel better then go ahead!"  
"Stop it!"  
"What? Isn't this you wanted!? Make me shut up!"  
I moved away from him, afraid of the anger that filled me.

"Just leave me alone, okay."

My hand reached for the doorknob and opened it.

He didn't stop me this time.

"Jess…"  
I turned around towards him.

"Leave me alone…"  
Then I walked away from him.

……………….

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	8. They say every man must fall Luke's POV

"**They say every man must fall**"

by: Jessica

…………………………………………

Note: This is Luke's POV

…………………………………………………………….

"**_Maybe someday you'll have nowhere to turn,_**

**_You'll look back and wonder 'bout the bridges you have burned._**

( From "Maybe someday" by Bob Dylan )

………………………………………………………….

I'm going to break any day now.

I can feel it.

Any day now.

It's just a matter of time.

All I have to do is let go.

I know that.

But my heart can't really let go of that little girl that once

gave me so much light.

Maybe someday I will be fine.

It's just will take me a while.

I work the diner as I have always done and maybe always will.

I serve my customers and I pray, every day I pray, for some kind

of thing that may make things change.

I don't expect thunderstorms.

I don't expect that the earth will shake.

All I want is something, anything, that will make things right again.

I used to think that I could make that change.

That I was strong enough to turn things around just by being there.

But I have failed.

Jess walks around this diner, a ghost of the boy that he once was.

He is alive.

But by whose definition?

I don't know how to reach him anymore.

When I try to talk to him his face changes and I know that he creeps

back behind his protective shell.

So I settle with being there.

And I pray that one day he will come to me.

……………………………………………………………

For now I will have to settle with trying to save another.

Maybe I can't save her.

But I have to try.

I can't just lay down and die.

I just can't let her go.

Not her.

I will not stand by and watch her kill herself.

I closed the diner as usual that evening.

I walked the path to her house with the stars as my only company.

Her house was quiet as I got there.

My heart beat like crazy as I knocked at her door.

I had come to her door, a fool in love.

Like a hero trying to save his princess.

She opened after just a minute.

Her eyes were huge and seemed to occupy her whole face.

Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she looked vulnerable

standing in the doorway dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.

"Luke! What are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too, Lorelai..."

"I didn't mean.."

"I know."

I stood there like the fool I was.

I spoke first.

"Won't you invite me in?"

"Oh, sure.."

I brushed past her and entered her home.

I hadn't prepared a speech.

I had no idea what to say or act around her anymore.

We walked into the kitchen.

"Why are you here, Luke?"

"I wanted to take you out..."

"What?"

"We could go to the diner and I could fix us something..."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's not a date or anything, if you worried about that...I just wanted

to take you to dinner..."

"I have eaten."

"Then maybe we could go into Hartford and catch a movie..."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Or would could go wild and go all the way to Boston..."

"Luke..."

"Or we could stay here in Stars Hollow...We could..."

"LUKE!"

Our eyes met.

I was desperate.

Our eyes met.

"Lor...Just let me take you out..."

"Why?"

"It would make me feel better."

"Make you feel better?"

"Yeah. You sit in this house all day long and never go out..."

"I go out."

"Getting the mail isn't what I had in mind..."

"What's it to you anyway?"

Her words stung more than I think she could imagine.

"I don't want you to be like this..."

"Like what?"

"This!"

I spread my arms out as I continued:

"You live like a hermit! Where is the Lorelai I once knew?"

Her eyes shot fire as she came towards me.

"GET OUT!"

"Lorelai!"

"No, Get out of my fuckin' house!"

"She died, Lorelai. SO WHAT?! Does that mean you have to die with her!?"

"Don't say that! Don't you fuckin' say a word about her!?"

"What? Can't I speak about her now? You weren't alone in this! We all

lost her that day!"

"She was my daughter, For God's sake...And you come here on your

high horse telling me how to live my life! Who the fuck do you think you are?"

"I lost her too, Lorelai. Not a day goes by when I don't miss her...

For God's sake, when that bell over the door rings I look up and I keep

praying that it's her that is coming. But it never is...And that's

something I have to live with.....Don't you think I was heartbroken

when I got the news? I stood there in that hospital and...."

My voice died.

I moved towards her.

She was crying now.

Her eyes where two dark pools as they met mine.

"What do you want from me?"

"Just come with me...All I ask is that you walk out that door with me..."

"I can't, Luke."

"Of course you can...."

"No. I can't...."

I took her hand in mine and started to walk.

She pulled away from me with a scream:

"NO!"

I turned to her.

"It's just Stars Hollow, nothing else..."

"Why won't you listen? I can't...."

"Why can't you?"

Silence followed.

It lay thick between us.

"I'm afraid, okay?"

"Afraid of what? You have nothing to fear..."

"I have every reason to be afraid...If I go..If I just leave...

Then, what if..."

"You might actually have a life..."

Her eyes flashed of anger as she turned away:

"What? It's the truth isn't it. Real life awaits outside that door

and it scares the shit out of you."

"Damn you, Luke!"

"For what?"

I moved towards her.

Anger clouded my vision as I blocked her escape route.

I wanted to break her and watch her crumble.

It was the only way in.

But anger filled me.

Anger that there was no other way than hurting her.

"For what, Lorelai? Huh, For what? For telling you the truth...For

not letting you be!"

"DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!! It's my life! Not yours! You're not the boss of

me!"

"God knows!"

"I decide my life. Not you. Not anyone! I do!"

"And you are doing a great job"

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"So this is your life now, is it? Staying here and what...watch TV

all day until you die! She had hated to see you like that..."

"I said don't talk about her!"

"Or what? The world would come to an end or something!? You are not

the only one that has lost a child and you will not be the last.

But people survive. They pick themselves up from the ground and they move

on!"

"GOD DAMMIT, LUKE! You know nothing about it!"

"I know nothing. I know nothing. That's rich! Don't you think I loved her?

Don't you think I cared for her? So don't talk to me about not knowing...

Because I do...I do...I have a broken heart also.."

"Broken heart? You think this is a broken heart?HAH..You don't know.."

"Then please tell me..."

"It feels like I'm drowning..It feels like something is on my chest

and weighing me down..."

"I want to help...Everyone in this town want to help..."

"You can't...."

"There has to be some way....."

She turned away.

I wanted to touch her.

But I was afraid that she might move away.

So I kept my hands at my sides.

"I just...."

"You have to let her go...You have to.."

"No.....If I do that ..I will die..."

"No...I won't let you go..."

"Luke, please...."

"Not this time, Lorelai. I won't stand by and watch you fade away..."

"You have to..."

"No. I refuse to believe that!"

She turned towards me.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because you are my friend...My best friend and I can't let you go..."

"You have to....."

"No."

"Yes."

"Please, with me...Please..."

"I can't."

"So you'll just give up!? So you'll just lay down and die! I won't let you"

"You have to."

I grabbed her by the shoulders:

"GOD DAMMIT LORELAI!"

"Just go, Luke...Just go..."

I let her go.

I was so tired of fighting.

"I can't. I can't do that."

"Why can't you?"

"Because I love you."

She stopped.

I had come to the end of the road.

All my cards were on the table and I had no more to give.

"Luke, no...."

She backed away from me.

"Lorelai..."

"I can't..."

"All I want...is.."

"No, Luke...Okay.."

"I can't let you go..Not this time..Not now...."

"STOP IT!"

"Stop what?"

"This. All of this!"

"All I did was to tell you the truth.."

"I can't..Luke...And I don't want to hurt you...So go now before

I do..."

"I tell you that I love you and you just act like it was nothing..."

"Of course it wasn't nothing."

"Then do something, God Dammit!"

"I can't."

"Of course you can! Say something, anything...."

"Don't you understand?"

"Understand what?"

"I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING!! Can't you understand that?"

I stood there and something inside of me came undone.

"Lorelai....."

Her eyes glimmered with tears as they met mine.

"You can't save me, Luke, because I'm already lost..."

"No...I refuse to believe that..."

Then I kissed her.

I pulled her to me and drowned in her.

I wanted to break her.

Make her feel something, anything, even though it might just be a little kiss.

Her lips were warms against mine.

For that single moment I let all my feelings pour out into her and

I prayed that I just might reach inside of her.

Her lips trembled under her touch.

But I refused to surrender.

Not this time.

I ran my tongue against her lips, whispering to her let me in.

And with a sigh she did.

As our tongues met in a beautiful dance all sanity went out the window.

For a single moment, I held heaven in my arms.

As fast as the fire inside of me was born it was soothed away as she

pushed me away.

A scream escaped her lips.

Then her hand.

Hard against my cheek.

Her eyes were on fire.

"GET OUT! GET OUT!!!!!!!"

"Lorelai..."

"GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!"

"Lorelai...I just..."

"GET OUT, LUKE! NOW!!!"

I moved.

I had failed.

I had come there so determined to break her.

But all I did was push her further away.

I moved towards the front door.

Maybe I had come too late.

My hands trembled as I opened the door.

She stood in the doorway to the kitchen.

Her eyes glimmered still with tears as they met mine.

No words were spoken.

Maybe it was time for me to fall and scatter for the wind.

But this time around there was no one there to pick up the pieces.

As I walked away from her I came apart and for a single moment I let myself

feel everything.

………………..

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	9. They say everything can be replaced Luke

Title: They say everything can be replaced

by: Jessica

------------------------

Note: This is once again Luke's POV

------------------------

"**Some day when you grow lonely,**

**Your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only,**

**After you've gone, after you've gone away.**"

( From After you've gone by: Nina Simone )

----------------------------

Two days later

---------------------------

It wasn't like the world ended the day she turned me away.

But it did stop.

Or at least that was how it felt.

I have had my heart broken before and I have learned to be careful.

But this time, I guess I wasn't looking.

The blame is mine, no one else's.

It wasn't like we played in the same league.

She was everything.

And I was simply Luke, the guy that owned the diner.

So the fault was mine, thinking she might actually want me.

She was hurting and I acted foolishly.

I can see that now.

But I will not regret telling her.

Not this time.

I'm so tired of running.

I have been running for almost half my life.

I have been hiding behind friendship.

At least now, I know.

I thought I could save her with my love.

I thought if I just gave her my heart to do what she wished she would

be fine and come back to me some way or another.

I never expected to be turned away.

I didn't think she would say it back to me, it wasn't the reason I said it.

All I wanted was to reach out my hand, reach out, and give her me.

For once in my life I wanted to give myself without holding back.

I never expected to get my heart crushed in the process.

I should hate her.

I should react like I have always have and turn away.

But not this time.

If I turn away now, she will be lost.

And I can't take that.

I can take a broken heart every day if she is just here with me.

I'm doing fine, really.

It only hurts when I breathe.

-------------

I heard it spoken about in all the corners of this small town.

I knew that they didn't want me to hear.

But I couldn't avoid it.

She was leaving.

I didn't believe at first.

I thought they finally had lost it.

So, foolish as I was I walked the path to her house to set things clear.

I went there to set the record straight, nothing else.

Maybe a part of me wanted to make amends and try to get back to how things were

between the two of us.

I needed to be the one that saved her.

I needed to be the one she ran to.

If I wasn't.

Then who was I to her?

The sign in front of the house told me the story that I had shut my eyes for.

'For Sale'.

Just words.

Nothing else.

I stood there a long time, staring at that stupid sign.

A part of me wanted to burn it.

The other part couldn't believe it.

But mostly I was scared.

That maybe, just maybe, it was true.

Lorelai Gilmore was leaving.

I walked the path to her house and knocked on the door.

_This is the part where your heart actually hurts_. 

She answered just a second later.

"Luke."

Our eyes met.

And all I could remember was the feel of her lips against mine.

It struck me with such force that I almost gasped for air.

Fool.

"What is that stupid sign doing on your lawn?"

"Come inside..."

She moved a side and let me into her home.

What was left of it.

Boxes filled the living room and kitchen.

And the truth hit me right in the chest.

"What are you doing?"

I wanted her to tell me some of her jokes now. I needed to hear them.

For once in my life I wanted this to be one of her many jokes.

But it wasn't.

And how it hurt.

I turned towards her.

"I'm leaving..."

Her eyes met mine.

"You're kidding.."

I turned away and ran a hand through my hair.

I felt panic eating at me, slowly.

"No."

I turned towards her, I laughed and said:

"Then you must have finally lost it."

"I'm moving back home."

One blow and I was down.

"What do you mean 'moving back home'?"

"Mom, said I could stay with them for a while and then I might

look for an apartment in the city.."

"City?"

"Boston."

How easily my world crumbled.

I thought it was stronger than that.

I thought I was stronger than that.

I thought I had learned better than giving my heart like that.

Guess I was wrong.

"You can't want this!"

My eyes were begging her to surrender.

To tell me that it was all a lie.

But as our eyes met the truth was revealed and something inside of

me exploded and went flying.

I could feel it.

It almost made me gasp for air.

"It's my home."

"NO! Stars Hollow is."

"It's my family."

"Everyone in this town is your family. Those people...You hated it

there, remember?"

"It's still my family. They are the only people I have left now!"

"You have us! There is no one in this town that wouldn't do anything

for you. You know that."

"I need to go home."

"This is your home! That place was never your home. You told me that.

You hated it."

"I can't stay here..."

"Yes, you can! We can help out...Everyone...And.."

"Luke, no..."

I moved closer to her.

She didn't back away this time.

"At least...I can go up there...And we could..."

"You would hate every minute of it..."

"Does that mean that I can't see you?"

"It's just.."

I took her hand in mine.

She avoided my eyes and her face twisted and turned with feelings

I couldn't read.

"What? Tell me..."

"I can't...."

"What?"

Her eyes glimmered with tears as they finally met mine.

"I can't see you, Luke...Not now..Not again..."

"What are you talking about?"

"This town. ..Everyone here....They remind me of her...And I can't..

It feels like I'm slowly dying....I thought I could handle it...I

was so sure that if I just let time pass then I would be fine...

But everywhere I go in this town I remember her and it hurts too much.."

"And that includes me?"

"Yes.."

"That's bull shit and you know it!!!"

Anger filled me.

It was the only emotion that I reached for.

I let go of her hand and backed away.

"Luke!"

"This again! I can't believe it! So this town makes you remember Rory...

Big deal....That's no excuse for you to run away just like a little girl."

"I'm not running away..."

"The Lorelai I knew would stay and fight!"

"Fight! Fight! I have nothing left to fight for!!"

"You have everything to fight for!!! What about The Dragon Fly? What about

this house? So you will just walk away from everything like some fucking coward."

"Don't say that!"

"Coward? That's what you are..."

"..You don't know anything! Just leave me alone!"

She moved away from me.

"That's your answer for anything. Just run away. You think packing up

and leaving like this will make everything go away. All you will do is

hide it away."

"I'm not hiding from anything."

"You could have fooled me......"

"I don't have to explain anything to you!"

She started to move towards the door.

Suitcases in her hands.

"Lorelai!"

She stopped by the door.

I moved towards her.

The last remaining pieces of my heart beat angrily inside my chest.

"Stay..please...I'm sorry for what I said....."

She stood with her back turned.

"Please, Luke...Just let me go..."

Her voice trembled as she spoke.

"I can't do that and you know it..."

"You have to..."

My hands trembled a little as I reached out my hand and touched her

arm.

She turned slowly towards me.

It felt like the ground shoke under me as our eyes met.

"I can help you...Let me help you...We can work this out together..."

"Luke...."

"All I ask is that you let me help you..."

"You can't help me...Not this time..."

"There has to be some way..Something I can do to make you..."

"No..not this time. And you know it..."

I saw it in her eyes.

She was determined to go.

"Don't do this.."

"I have to..."

"Please..."

"Luke..."

She started to turn away and I reacted instinctly.

Her skin was warm under my hand as I touched her cheek and made her

look at me.

I have never acted foolishly in my whole life.

I was a master of my own world and I played the cards life had given

me carefully.

I was the person that stood back and watched before I acted.

I never let my heart guide me.

I was stronger than that.

But not this time.

I had been holding back for all my life.

When it came to love I was no master.

The truth was that I was scared.

The thought of opening my heart so fully to a single person left me

terrified.

I had done it a couple of times in my life and it all ended in

me getting my heart broken.

So I learned to build the wall around my heart higher and I maintained

that wall over the years.

But somehow and in someway she was the only one that had gotten

through that wall and touched my heart.

And now she was walking out my life.

And that thought scared me more than anything else.

I could survive her being with someone else, loving someone else

than me.

At least then she would still be here in my life.

But I couldn't take her leaving.

It would break me totally.

"Don't go, please, Lorelai. I don't want you to go."

"I know..."

"I want you to stay here... with me.."

The words were out.

And I opened my heart fully to her.

It was hers to keep.

It had always been her.

"Luke..Don't..I can't..."

"Tell you don't feel anything for me and I back off...I promise..."

"Don't do this.."

"Just answer me.."

"We are friends...Nothing else..."

"So you feel nothing..."

"No."

Just a word.

A simple word that broke me in two.

"Oh.."

It was the only word that slipped from my mouth.

I started to turn away.

I felt ashamed of giving my heart like that.

Like some foolish young boy with a crush.

I thought I was smarter than that.

I finally managed to collect myself and turned towards her.

And my first reaction was to save the last remaining pieces of

my pride.

"So this is goodbye then."

"Luke.."

"What?"

"Don't be like that."

"Like what?"

"All icy.."

"All I said was goodbye..Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Not like that...."

"It's the only way I know how to say goodbye..."

I raised the wall instinctively to push her away from my heart.

"So that's it?"

"Guess so.."

But as she moved towards the door the pain was there grinding me

into pieces.

Her hand turned the doornob.

I wanted to shout out another plead to her to stay.

But I just stood there.

Like the fool I was.

She stopped in the doorway and looked back at me.

I was so determined to stand my ground so I just stood there.

"Goodbye, Luke..."

Then she walked away from me.

-------------------------------

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	10. Something to live for Lorelai's POV

**Something to live for**

by: Jessica -

* * *

"_**It's hopelessly painful  
To wait,  
To hope and to take   
Each morning you wake up   
And you wish this nightmare away   
And it's just a waste of time   
To turn to God   
To pray that he'll take you instead  
It's useless to pray**_"  
(From "Where were you" by Kristofer Åström) 

-

* * *

Note: This is Lorelai's POV

* * *

I walk the path to the car determined to not look back.  
They had send me a car to pick me up as soon as I decided to go.  
It wasn't like I ran away.  
The choice was made carefully.  
All I did was let go. All I did was chosing not to fight.  
Maybe I'm weak.  
I don't know.  
But I'm saving myself this time.My hands tremble a little as I reach out my hand to open the cardoor."Lorelai"  
I stop, with my hand resting on the doorhandle.  
It feels like my feet is glued to the ground.  
All I have to do is open the door and a new part of my life will start.  
"I know that I say the wrong and stupid things but"

"Luke"  
I stood with my back turned afraid that if I looked at him now I would surely fall.  
"It's just"  
"Don't do this"  
"I can't just let you leave"  
"You have to"  
"Please"  
"Just go"  
"Lorelai"  
I turned around.

I don't know why I acted as I did.  
Our eyes met.  
I needed to distance myself from this man.  
I needed to burn my bridges.  
"No...You can't fix this. I'm not one of your prodjects"  
"What are you talking about"  
"You can't just come into my life and think you can fix everything just by telling me that you love me...It doesn't work that way"  
"I wasn't"  
"Oh, please...You only said does thing because you thought it might help me get over everything"  
"No"  
"Don't lie"  
"I'm not lying! I told you the truth"  
"Who do you think you are coming here on your high horse trying to act all nobel?! Saving the poor little Lorelai"  
"You need help! All I did was-"  
"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP"  
"Lorelai"  
He moved closer.  
His eyes were dark  
My voice was hoarse as I spoke:  
."I know what they all are saying...That I have finally lost it"  
Our eyes met.  
"Nobody is saying that"  
"_Why can't she just snapp out of it? It's been almost a year_"  
"That's not true..Nobody is"  
"Oh, give it a rest...I know what they all are thinking....And you to"  
"All I want is to help you"  
"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! WHY CAN'T YOU GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD"  
I backed away from him, afraid that if he touched me now I would surely fall apart.  
And I couldn't do that.  
I was so tired of falling, of gasping for air, trying to breathe, trying to keep my head above water.  
His eyes pierced into me.  
"Stop it"  
"LEAVE! JUST GO AWAY"  
I moved fast and put my hands on his chest and pushed him away from me.  
"No, I will not go away...Not this time...I will not stand by and just watch make the biggest mistake in your life"  
He stood before me.  
Refusing to move.  
Fear kept tearing me apart, slowly but surely.  
I needed to make him the bad guy.  
I needed distance.  
"LEAVE! GOD DAMMIT! I don't want you here. Can't you understand that"  
I was crying now.  
It came suddenly.  
"Lorelai.."  
He reached for me but I backed away.  
"I don't need your charity! I don't want you here. Not again...Not ever!"  
His face became cold as he continued to move closer to me.  
He was close now.  
I refused to back away, not again.  
I could feel him.  
It always felt like the air around me shifted a little as he was close.  
Like his simple prescence could stop the world.  
"Charity? Charity? You think I did all I did as an act of charity"  
"Yes. You loved it...Saving the poor,little Lorelai.."  
"No..It wasn't like that.."  
"No? Tell me you didn't enjoy being the person that fixed everything.  
The person that was always the one people ran too...You try to fix everything...But you can't fix this. You can't fix me"  
"Lorelai..please..I"  
"What? What, Luke? Afraid that I'm right...Why can't you just back the fuck off!??"  
"For God's sake!"  
His face grew cold and his eyes became two dark pools.  
"I didn't ask for your help! I never did and I never will!"  
"Well..You never asked....Who drove you to the hospital? Who drove you home afterwards? Who held you while you cried? WHO, Lorelai? WHO???"  
He made me remember.  
He made me see the very part of me that was hurting.  
He brought out those memories that I had tucked away deep inside of my heart and brought them out into the light.  
And I hated him for it.  
For making me crumble.  
"GO TO HELL!"  
"HA, I'm already there"  
His eyes flashed with a fire that lived inside of him and then he kissed me.  
It wasn't like before.  
This was fire against ice.  
This was like lightning on a clear day.  
It held no mercy.  
I reacted with anger.  
I pushed him away from me.  
My eyes were on fire as I struck him once across the cheek.  
"YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE ME! I DON'T WANT YOU! EVER"  
He stumbled backwards.  
His eyes shot fire.  
"Lorelai"  
"LEAVE ME ALONE"  
"You want me to leave you alone"  
"YES"  
"Really"  
"YES"  
"Fine"  
"Fine"  
Then he turned around and walked away from me. 

I climbed into the car and I refused to tremble as I did.  
The driver turned the key and the monster came alive.  
I leaned my head against the car window and took one final look at the house I once called my home.  
Then we were off.  
One day it would be just another memory.  
It was time to erase those memories, put them away and never look at them again.  
I wasn't running.  
I was saving myself.  
-  
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	11. Lullaby Emily's POV

"**Lullaby**"

by: Jessica

----------

Note: This is Emily's POV

-------------

"**_and all the time_**

**_the truth is flashing in my mind_**

**_that when a heart gets broken_**

**_there's nothing you can do_**"

From "Lullaby" by David Gray

-------------------------

I find her by the window.

She sits with her back turned, staring out into the dark night.

The moon makes it way across the dark sky outside the window.

I have found her there a lot lately, in that exact position.

Her face reflects the battle that is in play inside of her.

I stand in the doorway at first, afraid to enter her world.

I was never allowed into this room, this world, without knocking.

But that was years ago.

But I still feel that huge wall between us and even now as I stand

there I can feel myself bow down in front of it.

So I stand there, afraid to move.

"Lorelai, dinner is ready. It has been ready for almost ten minutes."

I know that I sound harsh.

But I don't know how to speak to her anymore.

I never did.

She turns around, slowly, and our eyes meet.

I wish I could read what she was thinking.

But I never could.

"Oh, I didn't.."

"Dinner is on the table and you know how mad Magda gets if she has to

wait..."

"I know."

She doesn't move.

I know that I should go.

I can see in her eyes that I overstayed my welcome.

She has raised that wall again, the one I have no idea how to break through.

So I stand there like a fool waiting for her to be the first one

to move.

"I'll come down in a minute..."

I should settle with that answer and be on my way.

I turn to leave.

To go back to how things were, how it always been between us.

Worlds apart.

I stop and turn around towards her.

She has settled back into her routine of staring out the window.

She looks so lonely.

Like the light she carried inside of her had faded away.

"Lorelai..."

I move towards her.

It's the mother inside of me that makes my legs move.

She doesn't move.

Her voice is barely a whisper as she speaks:

"Leave me alone, okay."

"I can't do that."

I stop and stand just an arm's length away from her.

She sits with her back turned to me.

All I have to do is a reach out a hand and touch her.

To let her know that I'm still her mother.

But I stand there like a fool, keeping my hands at my side.

"Come down to dinner.."

"I will. I just.."

"You can't just sit up here forever."

"I know.."

"Then come down."

She reacts fast.

And she raises her shields.

I can almost see it.

She rises and our eyes meet.

"I said I would! Just give me a sec."

"I was just. You don't have to raise your voice at me Lorelai."

"I wasn't."

I can see her soothe away the fire inside of her and settle into

that blank expression that has become a part of her these days.

It's been almost a week since she came running back to me, to us.

I never questioned it.

I welcomed her back with open arms, because that was the only way

I could help her now.

She sits back down and turns away from me.

I'm back where I belong, left outside.

So I do what I have become a master of, I surrender and turn away.

I start to leave.

Maybe she needs time, and then she will come to me.

But I know that I'm lying to myself.

She will never come to me.

She never did.

"I think something is wrong with me."

Her voice reaches me when I'm at the door.

I turn.

A simple sentence.

A hand that reaches out for help.

To pull her up.

At least to try to pull her up onto dry land.

Because she is slowly drowning.

"Lorelai.."

I start to move towards her again.

My heart is beating like crazy in my chest.

"It feels like I can't breathe anymore."

Her voice trembles a bit as she speaks.

My legs feel weak as I sit down in the chair beside her.

She sits with her face turned towards the window.

I want to touch her, hold her hand, just to let her know that I'm here.

"I'm so tired. I can't cry anymore. I feel so empty inside. All I

want to do is wither up and die. What's the point anymore? What's the

point with anything?"

"You have to hang on. It will get better. I promise."

My words seem so small.

So simple.

She turns towards me and our eyes meet.

Her eyes are dark, two dark pools.

"When will it 'get better'? When? Tomorrow? A week from now? When?

It's been almost a year now and it still feels like it was yesterday."

"I don't know. But you have to believe."

"Believe? Believe in what? What have I left to believe in? What? Nothing."

"You have us. Your family and your friends. You have the inn. You have

all the plans you made, the life you made..."

"Don't you understand? I don't care about that anymore. It's nothing

to me without her. Can't you see that?"

"So you will just give up then? Fine."

I rise.

Anger fills me.

Anger towards her for giving up like that.

"That's just like you, Lorelai. When it gets tough Lorelai Gilmore

runs away. Fine, have it your way..."

"It's not like that."

She rises.

Her voice is harsh as she speaks.

"YOU KNOW NOTHING!"

"I know nothing? I know nothing? HA! You think you are the only one

that has lost a child in this room. Because you are so wrong."

"Mom."

"Maybe I didn't lose you physically, but that doesn't take away the pain."

"Mom, I didn't.."

She moves towards me.

But I move away.

"You talk about loss like I know nothing. Don't you think it was hard

for me to watch you slowly slip away from me and I couldn't do anything.

You hated me so much that you ran away from me and you didn't even

reach out for help. For God's sake you'd rather take help from strangers

than let me help you. And now you speak about that I know nothing.

Damn you, Lorelai. Damn you."

"Mom, please..."

"I lost her too, Lorelai. I lost her too. She was the only way I could

reach you. I had to buy my way back into your life, like some...Oh,

I don't know....You shut me out a long time ago and now you come here

and you expect me to not react. To let you be. How can you think

that I'm so cold?"

"I wasn't."

"You think that I'm so cold that I wouldn't even want to help you?"

"I know you do."

"We lost her, Lorelai. WE lost her. Everyone that loved her. Not only

you. And we are all hurting. But we are still standing. We have to

keep breathing, otherwise...I don't know...She is gone and we can't

get her back."

"You think there isn't a single moment in my life when I don't

realize that? She was the only one that was truly mine. I never

get to hold her again...Talk to her.."

She is crying now.

I move towards her.

"I know. I know. But you have to hold on. You have to find a way

out of this."

She is close now.

She doesn't move away as I touch her hand.

She surrenders with a sigh and wraps her arms around me.

I welcome the feel of her in my arms.

It's like music to my frozen heart.

It's been too long since I got to hold her.

"I don't know if I can. And that scares me."

"Let me help you. Please, let me help you."

"It feels like I'm dying."

"I know."

We stood like that.

Her crying on my shoulder and I holding on to her for dear life.

It felt like if I let go, even for a second then I would lose her

again.

And I don't think my heart can take that.

I don't know what the future will have in store for us.

But I have to believe that we will find a way back to whole again.

And this time I will not let go.

-------------

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	12. I will let you down Jess POV

"**I will let you down**"

by: Jessica

* * *

"**_Trust me_**

**_There's no need to fear_**

**_Everyone's here_**

**_Waiting for you to finally be one of us_**"

(From "Let you down" by Three days grace)

* * *

**Note: **This is Jess POV

* * *

**Grant Hospital, Chicago****  
Two weeks later**

**

* * *

**

My hands trembled a little as I walked the path to her room. 

I cursed them for being so weak.

My heart was pounding against my chest with such force that I almost could hear it.

Fear ran through me as I turned the handle and entered the room.

She was sleeping now, with her face turned towards me.

She looked tired, like she had gone into battle and lost.

I closed the door behind me and pulled up a chair beside her bed.

She had sounded worried when I called her.

She never said it but I could tell that she was worried that I would let her down.

That I would run.

A part of me wanted to do just that.

I wasn't ready yet to let go of my life in favour of what she had to give me.

My life had become a battle to keep breathing, to keep on going.

I wasn't ready to let them in.

Neither of them.

"Jess."  
Her voice was hoarse as she opened her eyes and spoke my name.

"Lucy."  
"You came. I didn't think you would."  
She didn't know how her words stung.

But they were true.

I had been ready to run.

To put that part of my life behind me.

"I just…"  
My words faded to black.

I didn't know what to say to her anymore.

She represented a part of my life that I wanted to bury.

"Did you see him?"  
"Not yet."

"He's beautiful. I think he has your eyes."  
Our eyes meet.

"Don't, Lucy."  
"What? I'm just saying."  
"Don't okay."  
"He's YOUR son."  
"I know."  
"You still don't believe me."  
"It's not that."  
"Then what?"  
"Nothing."

"God, I can't do this. I can't keep making excuses. I can't keep saying I'm sorry.

You either forgive me or you don't. You can't have it both ways."  
"I know."  
"He's YOUR son. I don't know how to make you believe that."  
"I believe you. I never said I didn't."  
"Jess…Come on! I can see what you are thinking."  
"What!"  
I rose.

Anger filled me.

I need her to be the bad guy in all of this.

I clung to the past like it was water and I hadn't gotten a drink for days.

"Jess."  
"What? What do you want from me?"  
"The truth might be nice."  
"What truth? Yes. I have thought about if this…kid is mine. Many times."  
"He is."  
"Stop saying that."  
"What?"

"That."  
"What? That you have a son?"  
I turned away.

A part of me was screaming that it was time to turn the other way and run.

The other part screamed that for once in my life I would do the right thing.

"Lucy.."

"I'm not going to beg, Jess. Not this time. If you don't want us, then fine.

Have it your way. And don't think that you can drop by whenever you like.

It doesn't work that way. He's my son and I want him to have a father. A real father. Someone that stays."

_Someone that stays._

_You are not Jimmy._

"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"I want you in my life, in our lives, Jess. I don't want to see you walk in and out of our lives like we mean nothing."

I turned towards her.

"I know."  
"I'm not going to beg you, Jess. Not again. Not anymore. I'm tired of begging and I don't want half of you.

We have a son now. A son. I can't have half of you. That wouldn't be fair for either of us."

My voice was sharp, to sharp, as I answered:

"I know!"

"Then make up your mind."

"I'm here! What more do you want from me!"

I already knew the answer to that.

She wanted everything.

Her eyes darkened as she they met mine.

"I want nothing from you. Nothing more than you can give."

A knock on the door pierced the silence and a nurse stepped inside.

"M'am, I was wondering if everything was okay here?"  
"Yes."

"Good."  
"I would like to see my son."

"I will get him for you."

Then the woman was gone.

"Don't do this, Lucy."

"Do what?"

I felt fear clawing at my soul.

It felt like was trapped, like the world was closing in on me.

I had no way out now.

"I don't want to see him. I didn't come here.."  
"Then why did you come?"

_You are a father._

_A father._

_You have to take some responsibility._

"I just.."  
My words faded to black as a knock on the door pierced the silence.

The nurse entered, holding a baby.

_My son._

"Here's your son, M'am."

"Thank you."

Lucy held out her arms and took him to her chest.

He settled there with a sigh.

The nurse left the room without saying a word.

I stood there, beside her bed, with my arms at my sides.

He looked small.

Fragile.

Lucy smiled as our eyes met.

"He's not dangerous, you know."

"I know that!"

"You can come closer."  
I moved a little closer.

"You want to hold him?"  
Our eyes met.

_You can hurt him._

"No!"

"You're not going to hurt him, Jess."

"I know."  
"Isn't he beautiful?"  
I leaned forward and looked down on the little thing that was looking up on me.

His eyes were huge.

He didn't say a word as our eyes met.

His eyes were dark.

"He has your eyes, Jess."

It felt like I was coming apart.

Slowly.

A little hand found its way out of the blanket he was wrapped in.

Five small fingers.

Five perfect fingers.

The need to touch him came suddenly.

It hit me right in the chest with such force.

My hand trembled a little as I took his little hand in mine.

His skin was soft against mine.

"He's your son, Jess. Your son."

"I know."

"Hold him. He's not going to break, I promise."

I wanted to back away.

I wanted to run, now.

But as I looked down at my son I realized that I couldn't.

I took him into my arms.

He didn't say a word as I took him away from his mother.

He just looked at me with those eyes of his.

He was beautiful.

_My son._

I caved.

The walls around my heart came down with a loud bang as his little hand wrapped around one of my fingers.

_You can't run anymore._

"I wanted to call him Lucas."

_Lucas._

_Luke._

"Luke."

"After your uncle. You told me once that you wanted your son to be named after your uncle."

"I was drunk. I didn't think you would remember."

"Well, I did."  
I looked at her now.

She was smiling.

"He will laugh his ass of when I tell him. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know."  
I turned away from her once more and looked down at my son.

My voice was hoarse as I spoke:

"Hi."  
I felt like a fool.

But somehow I didn't care anymore.

"Hi. My name is Jess. Jess Mariano. And I'm your father."

I stood there, holding my son, as the sun pierced through the window.

And I couldn't stop smiling.

_I was home._


	13. I see Monsters Annie's POV

"**I see Monsters**"

by: Jessica

* * *

Note: Title is from a song by Ryan Adams.

This is written in Annie's POV. Just hold on..It's a new character so bare with me.

* * *

**Boston,**

_One week later_

_

* * *

_

**_"Are you so scared to look within  
The ghosts are crawling on our skin  
We may race and we may run  
We'll not undo what has been done  
Or change the moment when it's gone"_**

_( from "The Other side" by: David Gray)_

_

* * *

_

"Are you ready to talk now, Annie?"

Her voice was soft and her eyes were gentle as they met mine.

I stood by the window with my hands trembling.

She sat with her legs crossed and her small hands clutching the pen and paper.

"Sit down, Annie. You will feel better."

I wanted to object but I knew that I was acting ridiculous so I moved towards the

armchair and sat down.

She sat opposite me, with her eyes resting on me like a hawk.

I had come to her twice a week for almost a month now and I still couldn't get myself to open up to her.

Her name was Dr. Marie Spencer and she was supposed to be the one that held all the answers.

"Henry called me yesterday and he told me that you hardly leave your apartment..."

I avoided her eyes as I spoke:

"You shouldn't believe what he says. He tends to be a little dramatic."

"He is your brother. He only wants what's best for you.

He also said that you have stopped writing."

"So?"

"You love writing."

"Who told you that?"

"No one has to tell me that. I have read what you have written. I can tell.."

"So what? It's not like I need it."

"Why is that?"

"I just don't, okay."

"Okay. He is just worried about you."

"He shouldn't be. I'm fine."

"Really."

"Yeah, really. It wasn't my idea to come here every week. But I'm doing this for my mother."

"Okay. Why is that?"

"She has a weak heart. She has gotten this idea that I need to talk to someone. So, here I am."

"You don't agree?"

"No. I was doing just fine until she got it into her head that I needed to come

and talk to you."

"She was only worried about you. She is your mother. She has a right to be worried."

"Well. I don't need it."

"She loves you. She only wants the best for you."

"I know. I know."

"We all just want to help you what you are going through."

"Help me with what? I'm doing fine!"

"Is that why you have given up writing? Is that why you are hardly leaving your apartment?"

"That's my business."

"Henry told me that it used to be your passion. He told me that you did nothing else. That you loved it.."

"Not anymore."

"Why is that?"

"I just don't, okay. It has nothing to do with..."

"With what?"

"Don't okay."

I rise from the chair.

I turn away from her and return to my safe haven by the window.

"Annie.."

"I know what you are going to say."

"What am I going to say?"

"That the reason I'm not writing is because of Stephen."

"Is it?"

I turn towards her and our eyes meet:

"No! Of course not! It has nothing to do with Stephen."

_Liar_.

It had everything to do with him.

I turn away from again, afraid that she might see right through me.

"How long has it been now, Annie?"

"I didn't come here to talk about him."

My words are harsh.

"Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

"Not about him..."

"Why is that?"

"Stop!"

"Annie.."

I turn towards her again.

She sits there, judging me.

I can feel her eyes piercing into me, judging me.

"I don't need you to.."

My words faded to black.

"What?"

"I just.."

"Tell me about him, Annie?"

"Please, don't."

The feeling came crawling back, slowly.

It coiled around the last remaining pieces of my heart and squeezed it full of pain.

The feeling that I had lost.

That I had nothing now.

She rose and came towards me.

Notebook still in hand.

She took my hand and made me look at her.

"Tell me about Stephen, Annie. Tell me about your son."

"Why? What good can come of it?"

"I want to help you."

"Help me with what?"

"Everything."

I broke free from her and turned away.

"He was beautiful."

I closed my eyes in a weak attempt to shut the pain out.

But I was failing.

"He had this way of twirling my hair when I held him. He loved to do that. I don't know

why but he loved it. He had such a beautiful smile. His smile was like looking

directly at the sun..

It was so bright..He was such a good baby. He used to sleep through the night. People used

to laugh and say that he looked like an angel. And...I thought.."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me about the day of the accident."

"No, please...I can't..."

"Annie.."

"Why? What good can come of this? Why are you doing this?"

I turned towards her.

Tears blurred my vision and I hated them for showing their face.

"I think I can help you."

"With what? Can you bring him back to me?"

"No, of course not."

"Can you let me hold him one last time?"

"No."

"Then there's nothing you can do."

I walked past her and walked towards the door.

My heart was slamming against my chest with such force that I almost was sure that

she could hear it.

I felt like I was drowning, slowly.

My hands trembled a little as I turned the knob and opened the door.

"Annie."

I turned towards her and our eyes met.

"I only want to help you."

"You can't."

Then I walked away from her.

My hands didn't stop trembling until I reached the lobby.

I sat down on the couch and tried to steady my heart.

I hated the way I so easily came apart.

I was weak after all.

I thought time had taught me a thing or two.

But guess I was wrong.

"Are you okay?"

A woman in her thirties, dressed in a nice business suit was sitting on my right.

Our eyes met as I turned to her and said:

"What did you say?"

"I was asking if you were okay?"

"Oh, I'm fine."

I brushed away a strand of hair that had come undone from my ponytail and looked away.

"It's just...You don't look it."

"Well, that's why I'm here. That's why we all are here, right?"

"Right."

I sighed and looked at her.

The woman looked tired.

She was sitting, clutching a big cup of coffee.

"Where did you get it?"

"I stole it."

She smiled as our eyes met but her smile never reached her eyes.

She continued:

"Nah, not really. The machine is out in the hall...It tastes like shit but I need it where I'm going."

"Really."

"Yeah, first time."

"Oh."

She looked nervous.

"What's she like?"

"Like any other doctor: kind, understanding and all of that. She's a friend of my family so what can I say..My mother made me come here."

"Really? Mine too!"

Her face lit up as she looked at me.

"They mean well but.."

She turned her face away and her eyes darkened as she spoke:

"But they don't understand..They don't really get it."

"Yes. They don't get it."

Suddenly the door to the office opened and Dr.Spencer exited.

"Guess. It's my turn.."

The woman rose, leaving the cup of coffee on the table beside the couch.

She turned and looked at me.

Our eyes met.

I reached out my hand, smiled and said:

"Annie. Annie McClain"

She took it without question and said:

"Lorelai. Lorelai Gilmore, nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too."

Then she walked away from me.

* * *

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	14. So much for surviving Luke's POV

"**So much for surviving**."

By: Jessica

* * *

_**  
"The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;  
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;   
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.  
For nothing now can ever come to any good**_." 

(From "Funeral Blues" by W.H Auden)

* * *

_Note: This is Luke's POV_

_

* * *

_

Everything is so quiet these days.

Like the world knows something is missing.

I wake every morning before the sun has settled in the sky.

I rise from the bed and go through the routine of getting ready for work.

I go down stairs and make the coffee for the morning rush.

They come every day and they look at me with their sad eyes.

Nobody says anything.

But I have heard them whispering.

It's been almost three months now since she left.

But still the foolish part of me keeps hoping she might walk through my door any day now.

Miss Patty came in the other day and told me that her house finally had been sold.

A family with two kids had bought it.

The house needed a family.

It's just a house, anyways.

I go by there sometimes and for a little while I let my heart remember her.

There comes days when I want to pick up the phone and call her.

But I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

She has closed this part of her life.

She made that clear when she left and I don't know what more I can say to her.

I had let my anger and frustration eat at my soul for weeks after she went away.

I refused to miss her.

But I'm tired now, tired of fighting.

I have given in.

There's no point anymore.

She will not come back.

I know this, but still I hope.

I have done this before.

I did it when Rachel left.

I clung to hope for so long that it almost killed me.

So you'd think I'd know the drill by now.

Guess I was wrong after all.

I have lived my life without her before.

I was fine before Lorelai Gilmore entered my world.

Now, I don't know.

I wish there were some way I could drive her out of my heart.

I would be fine then, whole again.

* * *

It was raining the day Emily Gilmore entered my diner.

She stood in the doorway at first, scanning the room.

She walked up to me and said:

"Mr. Danes."  
She was the kind of woman that demanded attention by her simple presence.

I put down the coffee pot and looked at her:

"Mrs. Gilmore…Has something happened?"

"No, nothing has happened."  
"I just thought…"

My voice faded to black and I avoided her eyes that always seemed to pierce into me, seeing every part of me.

"I know what you thought. I came here to talk to you. Is there any place we could talk in private?"

"Sure."

I led her upstairs to my apartment.

I could see disapproval in her face as she entered my home.

My face flushed as I saw the state of my apartment.

"I'm sorry...I didn't expect company..."

Her voice was a little harsh as she spoke:

"It's fine."

"Won't you sit down?"  
I pointed to a chair by my kitchen table.

She sat down, carefully, like she was afraid she might catch something by simply touching the chair.

I sat down opposite her.

She scanned the room before her eyes settled on me.

"How's the boy doing?"

"Boy..You mean Jess?"

"Yes."

"As good as you can expect. He's a father now."

"Really?"  
"Yeah. Really."

Silence settled between us like a huge wall.

"How's Lorelai?"

The words were out before I could stop it.

But I guess it was expected.

"That's why I'm here."

"Okay..."

"It's been three months now, Mr. Danes."

"Luke. Call me Luke."

"Fine, Luke. It's been three months and I'm afraid that if this will go

on any longer we will lose her."

"What do you mean? She's doing better, right?"

"Yes, she's doing better. I have finally convinced her to see someone."  
"Good. That's good for her."  
"But I don't know if that's enough."

Her eyes flashed and for a second I could see something behind that huge wall she covered her heart with; she was afraid.

"I'm sure it will make her better, talking to someone. They know these things."  
"You don't understand."

She leaned forward.

Her eyes burned into me with such force that I almost backed away.

"She's dying, Luke."  
"What?"  
"My daughter is dying."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"This is killing her."

"She's grieving. It will take time."  
"Don't you think I know that! Of course, I know that, Mr. Danes. I didn't come her to be lectured by some…"

Her voice faded to black.

But I could read what she was thinking in her eyes.

"Mrs. Gilmore. I don't know what you think I could do."

"Talk to her. "  
"I've tried to talk to her."

"You have to try again. You're her friend."  
She said 'friend' like it was poison in her mouth.

"She doesn't want to talk to me, not anymore."

"I don't care what she wants. She needs to talk to someone. I hate to admit it but she needs this crazy town."

"I tried to talk to her before. What makes you think that it might work this time?"

"Because it has to. I've tried to talk to her...But she doesn't want

to hear me...She never did. But you...You might be the one she will

listen to..."

"I don't know."  
"You want me to beg? Is that it?"  
"No of course not."  
"Good."

She rose.

"Talk to her, Luke. Do something."  
She started to walk towards the door."

"She doesn't want me."  
She stopped and turned towards me:

"She doesn't know what she wants."

"But.."

"Just talk to her, Luke. It's all I ask. Talk to her."

Our eyes met.

"I will."

"Thank you."

Then she walked away from me.

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	15. How to be dead Lorelai's POV

"**How to be dead**"

by: Jessica

Note: "_How to be dead" _is a song by Snow Patrol.

This is Lorelai's POV

I wrote this way back in June and then my computer crashed but now finally I have been able to fix the problem and find this..

Thanks to Sandra aka. Lukerules for beta reading.

* * *

Boston

* * *

She sits with her hands in her lap as her eyes pierce into me .

I move from the door towards the couch and I sit down.

It's my second time talking to Doctor Marie Spencer but she still has the power to scare me.

She seems to look right through me, seeing every part of me.

"How are you today, Lorelai?"  
Her voice is calm, soothing.

"Fine."

"Have you gotten some sleep?"  
"Yes."

I turn my eyes away from her, hoping she might not notice the lie that paints my face.

I can't sleep anymore.

When I do, when I finally let myself go, I dream.

My dreams are beyond control these days.

"Lorelai."

She leans forward, takes my hand and makes me look at her.

"Lorelai, don't lie to me. I can't help you if you lie to me."  
"It's just."

My words fade to black.

She was a stranger after all.

Something inside of me screamed to open up to her, to let her in.

The other part screamed that she would judge me for the weakness that was I.

"You have nightmares."  
"Yes."

She lets go of my hand and lean back in her chair.  
"Tell me about them."

"You'll think I'm stupid."  
"Why would I think that?"  
"Because they are."  
"Why do you say that?"  
"Just because…Nightmares are for children."  
"That's not true and you know it."  
"It's just a silly thing. I can't sleep. When I do. She's there and I..."  
"Rory?"  
I turn my face away, afraid that she might see the facade that slowly is shaking at the core.

"Yes."  
"Tell me about your dream."

"I'm running…It's night and I hear her calling me. I try to find her but I never can."

"What do you think the dreams mean?"  
"I don't know."

"You do know."

"I said I don't okay!"

My voice is sharp, too sharp.

I turn my face away, refusing to meet her eyes.

I know what they are saying, quietly judging me.

"It's no need to shout, Lorelai.. Okay?"  
"Okay?"

"I talked to you mother yesterday."

"Oh, here we go."

I said as angrily as I felt.

"She's worried about you."  
"Emily Gilmore is only worried about her own reputation. It doesn't look good having a daughter that visits a shrink. You might think it runs in the family."  
"She told me that she was worried that you're not getting better."  
"Getting better? It sounds like I have cancer or something."  
"She told me that you have moved back home."  
"Yes."  
"What about Stars Hollow?"  
"What about it?"  
"You miss it?"

"Sometimes."

"What do you miss about it?"  
"Look, I didn't come here to talk about Stars Hollow."

"Well, why did you come here then?"  
"I don't know."  
I turn away from her.

I had no idea why I came.

She was the one that held the answers, which could make it better for me.

At least that's what they told me.

So I went.

And listened.

And talked.

And tried not to fail.

"What do you miss about Stars Hollow?"  
I surrendered with a sigh.

"My friends, of course….Miss Patty, Kirk with his…well, weird things….I even miss Taylor…Wow, I never thought I would say that."  
I managed to smile.

"I miss the way it made me feel. It's home..It always will be home or at least the closest thing I will know to home."  
"You ran a business. The Dragonfly Inn. Your mother told me about it."  
"Yes. I still do. I call every other day and I check how Sookie and Michele is doing without me."  
"Yet you left. You sold your house."  
"Yes."  
I met her eyes.

"You couldn't stay in the only place you feel at home?"  
"Of course not…I couldn't stay."  
"Why?"  
"Why? You ask me why? And you're supposed to be the one with the brains."

I said sarcastically.  
"Tell me why you left Stars Hollow."  
"Because of Rory. After the accident…I just couldn't.."  
My voice faded to black.

"You couldn't stay in the house? Why?"  
"Because..Because she was everywhere."  
"She? You mean Rory?"  
"Yes. Of course."  
"So you ran."

Her words hit me in the stomach.

My voice were sharp as I answer:

"No, I didn't run."

"But you didn't stay."  
"What's the point in staying? I woke up every day in that house and everywhere I looked it reminded me that she was gone."  
"So you sold the house and moved back in with your parents? And that made things better?"

"What do you think?"

I said with a huff.

I turned away, ashamed of myself.

My voice were barely a whisper as I continued:

"No, it didn't make things better. I thought it would. I thought if I just left it would make things better. I thought if I just gave it some time and

maybe then I would be okay. But I was wrong. I know that now."

"Do you think going back would make things better?"  
"Going back? To Stars Hollow?"  
"Yes."  
"I don't know…I have nothing to back to."  
"You just told me. You told me about your friends and about the Inn."  
"But…."  
My voice broke.

I bow my head, avoiding her eyes.

"Lorelai?"  
"What's the point?"  
"What?"

I looked up and met her eyes.

"What's the point with all of that now? Now, when she's gone."  
"Lorelai.."  
"I could go back. I could. But what would be the point? Nothing matters now that she's gone. It feels like I can't breathe without her.

I struggle every day, just to be able to breathe. To stay alive. And I wonder every time I crawl into my bed and try to get some sleep what's the point in staying alive? A part of me wishes that I would not wake up to see the next day."  
"What do you think people around you would say if that would happen? Don't you think they would miss you?"  
"I don't know. Honestly, I don't care."  
"So they mean so little?"  
"I didn't say that."

"But you talked about dying."

"That's another thing. It has nothing to do with them."  
"But it has everything to do with them. The ones that love you. Your family, your friends."

"I just…I can't think about them…"

"Have you talked to them about Rory? About losing Rory."  
"Yes..Oh, I don't know…What could they do? Any of them."  
"They lost her too."

"I know that."

"But you left them."  
"No I didn't."  
"You left your "home". The town where she grew up. The town she called her home."  
"I had to go. I just had to..The town..it felt like I was dying."

"Why do you think you felt like that?"

"I don't know."

"Was it the people? Was it the town itself?"

"I just…I can't.."

I stumbled on my words just like a fool.

"And it feels better now? It feels good now when you have left?"

"I just.."  
"Lorelai.."  
"I don't know what to do. Can't you understand that!"

I rose and turned away from her.

"Lorelai. All I want is to help you."

"Then help me. I come here…and.."

I turned towards her, with my arms out stretched in a helpless gesture.  
"I can't tell you what to do. You have to figure it out yourself. I'm not here to tell you what's the right way to feel."  
"I know."  
"You have to make a decision about your life. You lost your daughter and the pain is great. No one can tell you to stop mourning her.

That has to be your own decision. But you have so much to live for and I think you know that."

"So why does it feels like I'm dying?"

I was crying now.

Tears marked my face and I refused to brush them away.

"I know it does. But it will get better. It will. You have to believe that. It's a struggle."

"I thought it would get better. I was so sure of it. If I just…"

"You can't run from her. You just can't. She's a part of you and there's nothing you can do about it. She wouldn't have wanted this."

"I know. She was so…"

Dr. Marie Spencer rose from her chair and came towards me.

I didn't back away this time.

She took my hand and made me look at her.

"Lorelai…Tell me…Tell me about Rory. Tell me about your daughter."  
"I don't know if I can…It hurts too much."

"Close your eyes…Just close them and tell me about her."

I stood there and looked into her eyes.

I finally surrendered and did what she said.

The pain was instant and it hit me right in the stomach as I let my memories wash over me.

"She was beautiful. She had the most beautiful blue eyes. And she was the nicest person you will ever know. She hardly ever did anything wrong. She

was such a great person. And god she was smart…..She read all these books. God, knows where she got that from. Surely not from me."

I managed to smile through my tears.

"She was my best friend…We did everything together. She kept me sane. She kept me grounded."

My voice trailed off and I opened my eyes.

"And now, Lorelai? How about now?"

"I'm nothing without her."

"Why do you say that?"  
"It's the truth."

"So everything you have accomplished in your life; owning your own business, making the Inn successful, all that was just because you had her as your daughter?"

"I don't – I don't know. I don't know anything anymore!"

"Lorelai. It will not be easy. No one said it would. But I can help you fight this. I can. But you have to help me help you. You have to find some strength

to fight. I will help you get in touch with people that have been in your same situation…We will fight together."

"Okay."

She took my hand and made me look at her.

"I know that you have the strength to fight. I know you do. Rory wouldn't have been such a great person if she hadn't had such a great mother. Remember that.

She got it from you. She saw something in you. They all did and still do. Your family, your friends. You have so many that still loves you. You're not alone."

I nodded.

I brushed away my tears and moved towards the door.

The session was over.

For now at least.

But the battle had just begun.

She wanted me to fight and I wasn't so sure if there still was anything left to fight for.

"Lorelai…"

I stopped in the doorway and turned back towards her.

"You'll get through this."

"I'm not so sure."

Then I left.

The sun was at my back as I drove up to the Gilmore house and got out of the car.

I was tired.

It felt like I haven't slept for days.

The truth was that I probably hadn't.

I rubbed my eyes and walked the path to the door.

He stood in the shadows.

He stepped into the light as I approached the door.

"Lorelai."

His hair was shorter and he was dressed in jeans, a shirt and a black leather jacket.

"Luke. What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you."

I closed my eyes and with a sigh I surrendered.

* * *

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	16. Stop crying your heart out Luke's POV

"**Stop crying your heart out"**

by: Jessica

Note: "_Stop crying your heart out_" is a song by Oasis

This is Luke's POV

* * *

Her hair was longer.

She had lost weight.

Her skin seemed almost transparent in the dim lights of the setting sun.

"Luke, what are you doing here?"

Her words were sharp and I almost stumbled on my words as I answered:

"I need to talk to you."

I hadn't prepared a speech but as I stood there I wish I had.

It had been so long since I talked to her.

"What do you need to talk to me about?"

Her voice was mocking, cruel almost.

"Your mother came to see me."

She sighed, ran a hand through her wonderful hair and said:

"She shouldn't have done that."

I wanted to touch her.

Something inside of me screamed to touch her.

But I knew that I wasn't allowed to anymore.

So I stood there like the fool I was, with my hands at my sides.

"She's worried about you."

"Looks like it's going around."

"Lorelai."  
Our eyes met.

"Look, Luke. I know why you came here and it's sweet but I'm really tired. It's been a long day. Can we talk about this another day?"

"We're all worried about you."

"Luke."  
"What?"

"Don't do this. Not now."

"Doing what?"

"This. This coming here…and I don't know what you're trying to do!"  
I took a step closer to her but she backed away.

"I'm not trying to do anything. I just want to talk to you."  
"Talk to me about what? What Luke? What in God's name could we have to talk about?"

Her words hurt more than she could imagine.

"Everything. Emily thought you needed someone to talk to."  
"Emily, thought, huh? That woman wouldn't have a clue about what I need even if it bit her in the ass."  
"Lorelai."

"What? It's the truth. My mother came to you…What did she tell you?"

"Just that you needed someone to talk to."

"I already have someone to 'talk to'. I go there twice a week. So I have every 'help' that I need."

"Lorelai…please."

"What? What, Luke? What do you want from me?"

"I don't want anything from you. All I want is to talk to you…"  
"Talk about what? Talk about what, Luke? About Stars Hollow? About Kirk, Miss Patty and everyone else? Is that why you're here?"

"No, of course not. I just…"  
"What?"  
"I want to help."

I almost stumbled on the words.

"Help?"

"Didn't we establish that I don't need your help? Remember?"  
"Lorelai, don't be like that."  
"Like what?"

"Like that! All..Oh, I don't know."

She backed away from me.

"Oh, just go home, Luke."  
"Why?"

"What do you mean why?

"Just come back with me, Lor.."

"Come back to where? To Stars Hollow? To the diner? Why in God's name should I do that?"

"Because it's your home."

"THIS IS MY HOME!"

I moved towards her.

She didn't back away this time.

I wanted to shake her.

I wanted to break through that wall she had built around herself.

"This was never your home!"

I pointed towards the house, anger starting to build inside.

It ran through my veins like poison as I continued:

"This house, this place…was never your home. Remember, you told me? You hated this place and all it represented."  
"No…"  
"You told me. You couldn't get out of this place fast enough. You belong in Stars Hollow. It's your home. Your only home."  
"Not anymore."  
"Not anymore? What's that supposed to mean?"  
"Just like I said. Not anymore."  
"So it's that easy to forget? To brush it all aside like it never happened."

"No. I didn't say that. Don't put words in my mouth!"

Her eyes were cold, icy cold as they met mine.

She raised her chin just a little, marking her intention.

But it only fueled my anger.

I had missed her.

Not a day had gone by when I didn't miss her and in that lie my weakness.

"Are we so easy to forget? Are all those years so easy to just erase!"

"Of course not. I didn't say that."  
"You left just like that."  
"You don't understand. I couldn't stay there anymore."  
"Oh, I do understand. You're a coward."

I backed away from her not breaking eye contact.

"HOW DARE YOU? How dare you come here and say something like that to me! You don't know what I have been through.

You know nothing about my life."

Her eyes burned into me.

"Oh, I don't know anything about your life… Oh, that's rich. You have come into my diner for more than ten years telling me every piece of news about your life. I have been there for you, watching like a fool when you went from Max to Christopher, to this guy to this guy. I have seen you cry. I have seen you argue…How can you say that I don't know anything about your life? How the fuck can you be so selfish? I know EVERYTHING about your life because I have lived it. I have been there for everything in your life. For God's sake…I was there, remember? Who was the one that brought you home after Rory died? Who, Lorelai! WHO?I drove the fucking car and I carried you upstairs. I held you that night….HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TELL ME I KNOW NOTHING? Did it really mean so little?"

"Just get out! GET OUT!"  
She moved forwards smashing her fist into me with such force that I almost stumbled.

But I refused to give an inch.

"I loved her too. How can you think I didn't? She was the closest to a daughter that I will ever have. How can you stand there and say that I don't know what you have been through! I know exactly what you have been through because it also happened to me. For God's sake it almost killed me. And now you stand here thinking I'm some cold bastard that doesn't know what's it like. Is that really what you think of me?"

Our eyes met and I tried to read what she was thinking.

But all I found was two dark pools of nothing that stared up at me.

"Just go home, Luke. Just go. I can't do this right now."  
"When is it the right time, Lorelai? When? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? When? When will this be enough?"  
"So I need a time limit? Is that it? You want to know when I will snap out of it? Is that it? So good old Lorelai can come back."  
"I never said that. All I want is…you…"

My words seemed to hover and soar in the air around us.

"Don't, Luke."  
She ran her hand through her hair and backed away.

I had been down this path before.

And it had broken my heart.

But the pain was worth it.

She was the only one that could break my heart.

"I need you in my life."  
"Luke. Stop"  
I moved towards her.

I was the biggest fool.

She was the only one that could make me feel so weak and strong at the same time.

She was the only one that I had ever wanted.

I was so tired now.

Tired of fighting.

Tired of being the only one left.

With a sigh I surrendered and said:

"Just come back, Lorelai. Come home. That's all I want."

Our eyes met.

I was begging her, pleading at her to surrender to me and let me in.

I had come to her wanting something to change.

When Emily Gilmore had come I had thought that maybe there still was a chance.

She had awoken the flame of hope that still burned inside of me.

And like the fool I was I had believed her.

"Go home, Luke. Go home to Stars Hollow where you belong. I don't live there anymore."

And just like that it was over.

"Lorelai, please.."

I reached out my hand towards her in a weak attempt to bridge the gap between us.

Our eyes met.

"I can't, Luke. I can't go back. Not now. Not ever."

And I died.

I crashed.

She backed away from me and moved towards the front door.

I watched her go, wanting her to turn around and say something.

But she never did.

She just opened the front door, went inside and closed the door behind her.

And I stood there, outside the Gilmore house, as the sun was devoured by the dark.

* * *

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	17. Places you have come to fear Annie's POV

"**The Places you have come to fear the most**"  
by: Jessica  
------------------------  
Note: Title comes from a song by Dashboard Confessionals.

* * *

**Boston**, two weeks later  
_Annie's POV

* * *

_I took another sip of something that resembled coffee, leaned back in my chair and said:  
"So, you want to know about me. Well, there's nothing to tell."  
"That's not true and you know it."  
Doctor Marie Spencer's kind dark eyes pierced into me and made me feel like a naughty child that had just defied the teacher.  
She was sitting opposite me, clutching her pen and a notebook.  
We had gathered in the basement of a local church.  
It was a meeting lead by the good doctor that was meant to join people together, parents that had lost their children. The first meeting had brought together people from all walks of life.  
We were sitting in a ring, facing each other.  
I crossed my arms across my chest and said:  
"I just don't see the point with it, okay?"  
I had refused to come at first.  
The thought of pouring my heart out in front of strangers scared me to death.  
I had gone to observe, nothing else.  
A sigh escaped from Doctor Spencer's perfectly shaped lips as she said:  
"It's just an introduction nothing else. We are all here to talk, to get to know each other."  
A woman dressed in a t-shirt that proclaimed her love for Metallica leaned towards me and said:  
"Look, Lady, just tell us something so we can go on with this crap. Personally, I think it's a load of BS. But, hey, that's me!"  
The woman shrugged and reclined in her chair.  
"Why do you say that?"  
The good doctor leaned a little bit closer to the woman that was sitting two chairs away and let her eyes settle on her new target.  
"Well, I think most of the women here would prefer to be somewhere else that's for sure. It's not like someone is going to leave this place a new person."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah, really."  
The woman fished a cigarette from the pocket of her jeans and lit it, all in what seemed to be one motion.  
Doctor Spencer kept her eyes locked on the woman and said:  
"So you believe people can't change?"  
"I didn't say that. I just don't see the point in sitting around talking about something that has already happened. Nobody can change the past."  
"Do you agree?"  
Marie Spencer turned to me as she spoke and impaled me with her eyes.  
"I don't know."  
Her eyes showed disapproval for the lack of a good answer.  
"Why are you here today?"  
"I don't know..I thought."  
"You thought what?"  
"It would help."  
I felt weak in that moment and so vulnerable.  
"Can you tell us about yourself? Start there."  
It felt like a million eyes were on me in that moment.  
"Forget about it, okay."  
The Doctor's warm eyes met mine.  
"What was your child's name?"  
Her words struck me and struck hard.  
I wasn't ready.  
My defences were still weak.  
"I don't..I can't."  
"Yes, you can."  
I buckled under the pressure.  
And I fell.  
"His name was Stephen."  
"It's no rush. Take your time."  
I wanted to pull back and make a run for it.  
But the pain in my heart won over the fear of speaking in public.  
"His name was Stephen and I killed him."  
Silence seemed to envelope the room in that moment.  
"You don't mean that."  
The woman in the t-shirt spoke first.  
I looked at her.  
The night of the accident was still vivid in my mind.  
"I did. I put him on that road. I'm to blame."  
"Annie. When did it happen?"  
"About a year ago."  
Doctor Spencer's voice managed to soothe the pain in my heart just a little.  
"I was late for a meeting and I had to pick him up to drive him to his Dad's. I wasn't looking and he never put on his seatbelt. I forgot to look. The police said later that it might have saved his life. He was making such a fuss in the car and I remember that I yelled at him. It was raining, really coming down. I took a turn too fast and we ended up on the wrong side of the road. There was a truck. It was honking its horn trying to get us to move. I couldn't."  
My words died away.  
I wasn't aware that I was crying until the tears found their way to my lips.  
A hand found its way into mine.  
A woman on my right side was holding my hand.  
Her eyes were dark as they met mine.  
I recognized her from Doctor Spencer's waiting room.  
She gave me a weak smile, encouraging me to continue.  
"I don't remember much after that. I woke up in the hospital. They told me my heart was damaged. I had gone into cardiac arrest and they had to revive me. I was clinically dead for a couple of minutes."  
"And your son?"  
"I was so sure he was alive. I would have felt something if he had gone. Guess, I was wrong. They told me that he was pronounced dead at the scene. My son, my beautiful son, had been thrown through the window of my car and broken his neck."  
I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand.  
"What happened afterwards?"  
"I didn't even get to see him. I had wanted to hold him again, just touch him, but one day after the accident I was in surgery. It was complications after the accident. My son's body was sent to the funeral home and the next day he was buried. I was too weak to attend."  
"It seems to me that everything happened a little bit too fast."  
The woman in the t-shirt was leaning towards me as she spoke. A lit cigarette seemed to be permanently attached to her hand. The building was non smoking, but no one had the heart to tell her to put it out.  
"My ex-husband, or rather his family, pushed for an early funeral. He came from old money and my family was blue collar. We didn't exactly match. When we married it was major embarrassment and when Stephen was born his family cut all strings. Of course when we divorced they welcomed my husband back but never his son. When the accident happened.. Well, let's say they were glad it was over."  
"Assholes!"  
I smiled at the woman's remark.  
For the first time I felt comfortable where I sat.  
The woman by my side was still holding my hand.  
I felt safe.  
"I didn't know what to do with myself after it happened. Everyone was walking on eggshells around me like they were just waiting for me to break. I didn't sleep well for weeks after I finally got home from the hospital. I spent all my waking time it seemed in his room. I didn't think so small things would mean so much, but now it's everything."  
"I know what you mean."  
The woman sitting beside me let go of my hand and spoke.  
I remembered her name as being Lorelai.  
She appeared paler than I remembered and her eyes seemed to have lost a spark I had seen in her when we first met.  
She had lost hope and it was weighing her down.  
"For me it was her books. It sounds weird, I know, but Rory loved them. So after it happened those books seemed to be so important. I used to walk into her room, or what was once her room, and run my hand over them. She hadn't been living there for years, but it was the only place where I felt her spirit strongest. God, I'm talking crazy!"  
She ran a hand through her hair and looked away.  
The Doctor's calm, professional voice broke the silence that had settled.  
"Why do you say that, Lorelai?"  
"Because everyone is always telling me in one way or another that I have to let her go."  
"And you disagree?"  
"I don't know. I really don't know."  
" When did Rory pass away?"  
"A year ago."  
"Do you think it's wrong of your friends and family to expect you to have stopped grieving after a special amount of time?"  
"They think it's like pushing a button and everything will go away. I know that they mean well, but they can never understand what's it's like."  
"Do you think pain is exclusive only to you?"  
She flinched as the Doctor's question hit home.  
"I didn't say that."  
"You said that they could never understand what it's like."  
"I just meant.. She was my daughter..my best friend."  
"Leave her alone!"  
I reacted instinctively.  
Marie Spencer turned towards me and said:  
"Why do you say that?"  
"Just stop attacking her!"  
"Do you think I was attacking her?"  
I was acting foolishly.  
"You don't know what it's like!"  
"Do you think what you are feeling is somehow unique?"  
"I didn't say that. Stop putting words in my mouth!"  
"What then? Explain it to me."  
The expression on her face showed a calmness that frightened me more than I wanted to admit.  
"There's nothing to explain. I'm just saying that you could back off a bit."  
"It seems to be a soar point for both of you: family."  
"No, it's not."  
Lorelai's voice was hoarse as she spoke.  
Determination was reflected in her face as she met the doctor's gaze.  
"What's family for you, Lorelai?"  
"I don't know."  
"Isn't family the one you can rely on no matter what? Isn't family the ones that will pick you up when you fall?"  
Her voice was harsh as she answered:  
"I don't know."  
"Tell us about your family."  
Doctor Spencer leaned closer as she spoke.  
"I didn't come here to talk about them."  
"Whose shoulder did you cry on afterwards, Lorelai? Who was the one you ran to?"  
Lorelai winced as the words found a tender spot.  
Her voice was barely audible when she finally spoke.  
"It was Luke."  
"And who is Luke to you?"  
"A friend."  
Lorelailooked away and shifted in her seat.  
"What was his relationship to your daughter?"  
"They were friends, good friends."  
"Where is he now?"  
"Probably back in Stars Hollow. I don't know."  
"Do you still talk to him?"  
"No."  
"Why is that?"  
"We fought."  
"About?"  
"I can't remember."  
She still refused to meet Doctor Spencer's eyes.  
"I think you are lying to us, Lorelai."  
Tears welled up in her eyes when she finally met the doctor's eyes.  
"Why are you doing this? You were suppose to.."  
"What?"  
"Help me."  
"What can I do for you if you refuse to search for answers?"  
"This is not searching for 'answers'. This is haunting people!"  
"Your family seems to be a soar spot. We can sit here all day and go over what happened to your child, but that will not help you heal. That's not why we are here. We are here to help you find a path out of this dark place all of you are in right now and I believe that path starts with family and friends."  
"I just don't see what this have to do with Luke."  
"You told me that he was the one who was there for you after Rory was gone. I was just wondering why that had stopped?"  
"He is not part of my life anymore."  
"Why?"  
"I didn't want him there. That part of my life is over."  
"Why is that?"  
"I just.. I can't."  
"Did he do something wrong?"  
A shadow fell across her face and I found our position reversed as I leaned towards her, offering support.  
"No. I suppose he didn't."  
"But still you severed all contact?"  
"He was pushing me, pushing too hard."  
"What do you mean?"  
"He wanted things from me."  
"What things?"  
"He wanted me to move on, to come back with him."  
"And you didn't want to?"  
"I don't know."  
"You don't know, but I assume you didn't say yes?"  
"No. I pushed back. I pushed him out of my life."  
"Do you regret the decision?"  
"I honestly don't know."  
Doctor Spencer nodded and glanced at her watch.  
"Look at the time! That's all we have time for this week, but we'll continue next meeting."  
She rose and started to assemble her things.  
People began to rise and move towards the door.  
I remained seated.  
I felt drained.  
Lorelai was still sitting beside me.  
She was wiping away the last remaining tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.  
I felt a connection with this woman and I didn't question it.  
I leaned towards her and said:  
"Do you want to get some real coffee?"  
She turned towards me and our eyes met.  
"I'd love to."  
She gave me a weak smile and together we rose and walked out of the building. 

---------------------------------


	18. A Pain that I'm used to

**"A Pain that I'm used to"**

by: Jessica

* * *

Note: Title is a song by Depeche Mode

P.S I'm desperatly looking for a beta reader. Not just for this piece but also other fics like House, Gossip Girl,

Heroes and Supernatural fics. Interested? I hope so..Email me..

* * *

**Stars Hollow,**

** three months later**

_Luke's POV_

* * *

"_And I fail to give you everything you need_

_For the fears behind your eyes"_

* * *

The darkness of the night had wrapped its coat around my apartment as I rose from the bed.

She was sleeping with her head turned towards me.

I dressed in the moonlight that shimmered into the room.

The only sound that pierced the silence was her breathing, ebb and flow.

I walked up to the window and looked out into darkness.

My lips was still bruised by her kiss and her touch seemed to be permanently branded into my skin.

I rested my forehead against the cool glass of the window and closed my eyes.

I never intended it to go this far.

But I had been weak.

I knew that.

I wasn't proud of it.

Her name was Sarah and she invaded my world one gray afternoon two months earlier.

She came with the promise of rain lingering in the air around her.

I wasn't ready for the force she brought with her.

My defensives was still weak and I was still rebuilding the wall around my heart.

She had a way about her that made people stand up and take notice.

When she walked into my diner that afternoon the place was crowded.

Caesar had picked that day to be out sick so I was left with everything.

Lane had taken pity on me and helped out with the crowd.

I had my hands full of plates as a long, blonde woman in a business suite and high heels

walked into my diner.

She stood for a second by the door and took in the place.

Then she walked with a determined look upon her face towards the counter and sat down.

She didn't seem to notice the silence that seemed to have settled around her.

I unloaded the plates on their deserving customers and moved back behind the counter.

She fixed her blue eyes on me and said:

"I'm new in town and I was wondering.."

I sighed and replied:

"Do you want to order something or what?"

"I was just.."

Every part of her breathed money and power.

She looked at me with piercing eyes, looking both annoyed and surprised all at once.

I sighed and said:

"Order something or get out."

I knew her type all too well.

They ventured in sometimes on their way up state.

They came to gawk at the locals and take in the rustic feel of a diner.

She managed to smile, showing perfect white teeth and said:

"Is that a way to treat a customer?"

"You haven't ordered anything so you're not technically a customer."

"I might be."

"Well, then will you grace us with your order?"

She leaned towards me and fired of one of those smiles that could melt even the coldest of hearts.

"Are you always this rude or am I just lucky?"

"Sorry, lady. I'm all out of fancy words for you city folks."

She looked surprise as she leaned backwards taking me in.

"What makes you think I'm from the city?"

"The hair. The clothes. The shoes. You want me to continue?"

She almost looked angry as she replied:

"No, guess you have me pegged."

"Look, just order. Look around you. You're not the only one here."

"I just wanted direction."

"Jesus, lady. Do I look like a god damn map?"

"You don't have to be all bitchy about it."

"I have actual paying customers here, you know."

"I wanted direction to the Inn. That's all I wanted."

"The Inn. I should have guessed."

"I'm intending to buy it."

Her words hit me and hit me hard.

"What? The Inn is not for sale."

"Well, guess someone was lying when they put it on the market then?"

It felt like something was weighing me down.

"Sookie never said.."

"Sookie? You know her?"

"Yes, well.."

"Oh, great. Maybe you know how I can get in touch with her then? She is not picking up

her cell and when I phoned the Inn they said that she had left for the day."

"What do you want with her?"

"Well, she is the owner. So.."

"What? No, that's not right. What about Lorelai and Michele?"

"They both sold their shares to Sookie."

Something inside of me ripped apart in that moment.

"No, there has to be some kind of mistake."

I shook my head, praying to some higher power that it was a lie.

She shrugged and answered:

"No mistake."

"When?"

"Well, about two months ago or something like that."

"Two months ago."

I had been such a fool.

I realized that as I stood there in my crowded diner.

Lorelai was burning her bridges.

There was nothing left now for to come back for.

"Yes."

"But there has to be some kind of mistake. Sookie would never sell it."

"Well, guess she changed her mind."

I stood there with my hands grasping the side of the counter so tight that my knuckles had started to turn white.

A part of me had known that something like that would come.

I had felt it, like something creeping up me spine.

Lorelai had practically told me when she turned me away.

She was never coming back.

Maybe I had been foolish to think that time would heal her broken heart and she would eventually find her

way back to me.

But I had shut my eyes for the truth long enough.

"What are you planning to do with it?"

My mouth felt dry as I spoke.

The Inn was the only place that I still had left of Lorelai.

My only connection to her.

Now all ties were being severed.

It felt like I was literally being pulled apart.

"I don't know yet."

Our eyes met in that moment.

I wanted so desperately to hate this woman.

This fancy business woman that had entered my life and ripped it apart.

I knew that it was wrong.

She was after all innocent.

But she was a easy target and I needed someone to blame.

"Can I have a cup of coffee now?"

My words tasted like venom as I spoke:

"I thought you were leaving."

She sat down by the counter, crossed her perfectly shaped legs, looked at me and said:

"I think I will stay a little while longer."

I poured her a cup of steaming coffee and turned away from her.

"Are you a friend of Lorelai's?"

She sounded curious.

I hated her then more than ever for daring to speak the name of the woman I had tried so

desperately to forget.

I turned towards her and our eyes met.

"Why do you ask?"

"You looked angry when I told you that Lorelai had sold her share."

"It's none of your business."

"You're right. It's not. I was just making conversation."

"Hell of a way of making conversation."

"Well, what can I say. I'm the curious sort."

"It's none of your business, anyways."

She smiled then.

She knew the answer.

I could see it in her eyes.

"You're so right. I'll shut up now."

She wrapped her fingers around the hot, steaming cup of coffee, looked at me and said:

"It's nice to meet you."

I turned to walk away from her without saying a word.

"My name is Sarah, by the way. Sarah Donnelly."

I shrugged and said over my shoulder.

"I will try to remember that."

"You do that."

* * *


End file.
